Are you in a relationship where small issues seem to escalate quickly? You're not alone. It's a common challenge for couples to bring up an issue in a way that is productive.
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The anxiety you feel when you are on the verge of success, have met a goal, or are experiencing something wonderful in your life. This is the anxiety you experience when life is good - you’ve kissed success, you have what you want, life is easy.
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Learning to listen is a skill. It’s different than “hearing”. Usually, when we are in conflict with another person we are listening to respond instead of listening to understand.
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Asserting yourself means expressing yourself in a way that expresses your confidence, power, and earning respect. It’s expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings without hurting or ignoring the opinions, feelings, or needs of others.
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Setting the stage for a good relationship means being honest from the start. Do you have to put it all out there on date 1? No. But, as things come up they should be discussed with honesty.
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I used to be so “anxiously attached”. When I was dating someone, I picked apart their every word or their every silence. Within moments I could go from crying (re: feeling like someone wasn’t into me anymore) to smiling (re: hearing from them).
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If your trust has been broken here is what you need: The one that broke the trust needs to listen. Again and again. To show empathy. To say you understand, full heartedly, the impact of your actions.
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Validation is telling someone that you believe that what they say is true for them. Validation isn't needed to CREATE legitimacy, because the legitimacy os already there.
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Research has shown that people are motivated by 2 things:
Threat
Nurturing
While ALL couples will be motivated by both of theses factors, being motivated only by threats is not healthy for your relationship.
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Setting boundaries early in your relationships sets the stage for a partner that knows how to be successful for you. No one knows what you want or need unless you say it.
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"Ghosting" is when someone you're dating cut off the relationship by cutting off all communication without any explanation. This post isn't geared towards being ignored after a first or second date.
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Conflict is bound to happen in your relationships - if it doesn’t then you’re a unicorn and I’d love to hear from you. The way that you “kiss and makeup” afterwards determines whether the conflict deepens your connection and intimacy or creates resentment and unhealed wounds.
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Are you being hard on yourself right now? Critical? I want you to read this and take it in: You are a human being. You will not and can not always prevent shortcomings, failures, and mistakes.
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“Small things often” is the mantra that happy and healthy couples abide by. They realize that it isn’t the big vacation, the big ring, or the surprise party that maintains a happy and healthy relationship.
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“Being guilted” is a different thing with the same emotional and physical responses. It’s more akin to shame.
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“But, I don’t want them to feel guilty” This is a phrase I hear over and over again in my office after someone has been deeply hurt or impacted by their partner’s behavior. There is deep pain associated with allowing someone to feel guilt or remorse about hurtful treatment of us.
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“There are two types of intimate partner violence: characterological and situational,” Earnshaw explains. “When a therapist finds that characterological violence has been present, then therapy is not indicated.
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To have a healthy relationship you have to understand how your childhood is still living within you and being worked out in your adulthood. Being mindful of your patterns and wounds will help you to be more successful in navigating the challenges of life together.
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