Fatherly Article: Can a Violent Relationship Get Better?

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist and the director of our practice. She often weighs in on relationship issues to other publications. Recently, she contributed to this article from Fatherly titled "Can a Violent Relationship get Better". To read the full article click here. 

Characterological Violence: Innate and Typically Unchangeable

“There are two types of intimate partner violence: characterological and situational,” Earnshaw explains. “When a therapist finds that characterological violence has been present, then therapy is not indicated. This is because it is mostly unchangeable. The simplest way to describe this type of abuse is that it is one in which the abuser is presenting controlling and dominating behavior. They also are unlikely to accept responsibility, are likely to show contempt and belittling behavior, and lack empathy and remorse.”In sum, if a relationship is tainted by characterological violence in specific—which is often innate abusive behavior that is rarely corrected—the relationship has little to no hope for reaching a healthy place again. And it’s best that the two partners go their separate ways. Additionally, “it is important that the partner experiencing the abuse is finding safe support, which could include a shelter or domestic abuse hotline,” says Earnshaw.

Situational Violence: Out of Character and Often Reparable

Now, in other circumstances, a relationship is tainted by situational violence: or violence that resulted from an intensifying conflict that wasn’t resolved properly. “It is apparent that the violence was situational because it is not a pattern of behavior, there is not one partner dominating the other, and remorse is present,” Earnshaw explains. “In situational violence, both parties have often acted violently. This is caused by poor conflict resolution skills.” In these instances, the couple is able to heal and move forward, according to Earnshaw, so long as they learn to resolve their conflicts properly. She says this involves learning to stay away from…

• Criticism

• Defensiveness

• Stonewalling

• Contempt

Additionally, they must get better at compromising, learn when the right time is to talk, and better manage their anger. Finally, Earnshaw says these couples should consider what allowed violence to enter the relationship: “Are substances an issue? Have they allowed their relationship to become negative? Are they identifying their partner as the enemy? Has stress gotten out of control?” She concludes by saying that ultimately, the partners must be willing to show remorse, discuss the wrondoing, and take action to improve the relationship.

Philly couples therapist

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist, she specializes in helping couples through difficult issues and helping happy couples stay that way. She offers intensive, weekend long, therapy.