Emotions Installed Through Mirroring

By Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT 

To have a healthy relationship you have to understand how your childhood is still living within you and being worked out in your adulthood. Being mindful of your patterns and wounds will help you to be more successful in navigating the challenges of life together. One of the biggest impacts on a child’s emotions is the capacity in which their caregivers could appropriately mirror them. We are all wired with emotions from birth, but learning how and when (and whether it’s ok) to express them is mostly learned. And, the learning happens through mirroring. Essentially your parents install them as you’re growing up.

Take these two examples of a child and adult emotional exchange:

1. A child is frustrated because he can’t get his zipper to work. His father says, “man! That’s so frustrating when things like that happen. Let’s see if you can try one more time. If it still doesn’t work we should take a break and try to think of a solution together”.

2. Same child, same scenario but the parent says “you’re ridiculous! I don’t want to hear your whining”.In the 1st example the parent was in tune with the emotional experience of the child. They were frustrated. The parent mirrored that this was an acceptable feeling and then offered a supportive response to how to deal with it. This child is being offered an opportunity to build confidence in self, acceptance of feelings, and a belief in a support network that will be there if needed.

In example 2, the parent did not name the emotion and also shamed it without providing any support for how to manage it. Over time this can develop into uncertainty about feelings, a sense of being wrong or inadequate, and feelings of being alone.In both scenarios, the parents “installed” a template or framework for how the child will engage with emotional experiences. If you didn’t have a caregiver that offered you mirroring, I’m sorry to hear that. Your little self deserved more. You can work on it now by offering yourself love and compassion. You can also heal by engaging with yourself mindfully and taking responsibility for the ways in which you might be continuing the patterns of your parents in your adult life.  

Philadelphia Marriage therapy

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a licensed marriage therapist in Philadelphia. Elizabeth supports individuals and couples improve the relationship they have with themselves and others through better communication, self soothing, and a clear understanding of what a successful marriage looks like. She believes that any committed couples who is willing to do the work can walk away from therapy with more clarity and connection in their relationship.