When the Solution becomes the Problem

Before joining the Better Life team, I spent 5 years as a therapist at a methadone clinic for pregnant and parenting women. In sitting with the stories of the women, I saw how their substance use and addiction became a protective factor in an otherwise unsafe environment. The world outside of the walls of the clinic shamed them for what they perceived as their “choice” to remain in their addiction but within the walls of my office we came to understand this path as an honest attempt at self-soothing and escape. Though, this phenomenon of the solution becoming the problem isn’t just related to substance use; it takes many forms. 

When working with couples, two examples of ways I see this attempt at self-soothing are defensiveness and projection. Defending oneself is often self-protective as admitting to fault can feel invalidating of that individual's experience of pain. This defensiveness may be protecting a younger part wherein the subconscious will do anything to avoid the internal turmoil that comes from feeling a sense of shame. Projection can serve a very similar function. 

When working with individuals, I hear negative self-talk and outdated narratives run the show in an attempt to resist change. Sometimes, changing the narrative can feel like a letting go of the rationale for the maladaptive behavior which can feel really scary. Therapy is where you can “try on” new ways of thinking while still holding space for the part of you that may be afraid to truly heal. 

When I notice these patterns, acknowledging the fear and function beneath them is key.

What would it mean if your partner was right about the “thing” you’ve been going back and forth about for ages?

What would it mean if you actually were “strong enough” to set boundaries with the toxic family member?

While there is much nuance with this rhetorical question, most of the time I am co-discovering with clients that acknowledging a different perspective or experience means questioning a part of their identity. 

Who am I without the stress of my toxic parent?

Will people still like me if I acknowledge and step into my strengths?

What does it mean about me if I leave my perfectly “fine” partner in the hopes of a more fulfilling relationship?

Am I still a good person if I leave the non-profit world in pursuit of a higher paying career? (Spoiler alert- this one’s me).

Beneath all of these questions? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of starting over, fear of being disliked, fear of true happiness. The truth is, none of us are excused from the human experience of discomfort; I know, it sucks. One of the greatest gifts I have gotten to witness in my time as a therapist is seeing my clients feel brave enough to walk into the unknown because it is in these steps that change and transformation happen. And you know what? It’s also okay if we decide that we’re not ready for that change yet, but we also may need to acknowledge that not making the change may be what’s keeping us stuck. 

Avoidance, addiction, projection, defensiveness, and my personal favorite, wishful thinking, are all examples of when the solution becomes the problem. When we loosen our grip on these coping mechanisms, we are welcomed by the beautiful world of choice. Sometimes, we may vacation in the land of avoidance when we need a break from the heaviness and that's okay! So long as we understand that we will need to return to the hard truth eventually. 

The good news is, there’s no rush to abandon the skills that have kept us- and our sense of self- feeling safe and protected. We can go at whatever pace feels manageable on that particular day. As we understand these patterns with more compassion, we can recognize them, make room for choice, and find opportunities for change. Freedom, confidence, and clarity come from this understanding and I promise, you’re gonna love the way this feels.

Melody McAlister, LMFT-AS

Melody McAlister, LMFT-AS is a licensed therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania working out of our Rittenhouse location. Melody works with individuals, couples, and families supporting them in substance use and recovery, trauma, attachment, and grief & loss. As a relational therapist, Melody helps clients move away from shame and self-blame toward greater understanding of themselves and their experiences. To schedule an appointment click here.

ABOUT A BETTER LIFE THERAPY:

A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma. 

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Elizabeth EarnshawA Better Life Therapy