Weathering the Storm: Is it Possible to Stay Together After an Affair?

Article by Eunice Akinola, MFT

Discovering an affair can be a devastating experience that can result in shattered assumptions of your partner, obsessively pondering details of the affair, and hypersensitive to signs of another betrayal.

You might find yourself split between wondering if your relationship can ever survive this, or if it is even worth trying.

First, I want to let you know that all of these thoughts are completely normal and that you are not alone. Though the majority of couples disapprove of infidelity, many can be impacted by emotional or sexual affairs. Some national surveys indicate: 15% of women and 25% of men have experienced intercourse outside of their long-term relationship. When emotional affairs were included these percentages increased by 20%.

The "Why and How"

When an affair is discovered, many find themselves searching to understand, "Why did this happen?" and “How did this happen?”. The answers are rarely simple or reduce distress. While these factors do not excuse the act of an affair. Infidelity can develop from a combination of individual challenges and relationship gaps:

  • Individual

    • Personal dissatisfaction

    • Low self-esteem

    • Addictive tendencies 

    • Depression 

    • Unhealthy attachment style 

    • Sexual Identity

  • Relational 

    • Relational dissatisfaction

    • Lack of affection

    • Desire differences

    • Less regard (day to day care/interest) for each other

    • Lack of emotional intimacy 

    • Different lifestyles that prevent time for one on one connection

The 3 Stages of Healing: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment

If you both decide you want to rebuild your relationship, a couples therapist can support you through the stages of betrayal recovery:

1. Atonement

This first phase determines if a relationship can successfully continue after an affair.

Think of your relationship like a bank account. The affair didn't just empty the account; it pushed it into overdraft. To repair this, a couples therapist supports the wayward partner in paying back what they withdrew, plus the "overdraft fees," through low and high-cost trust-building behaviors:

Examples:

  • Checking in during the day: calls/texts.

  • Expressing empathy for your partner's pain.

  • Answering questions regarding the affair.

2. Attunement

This is the stage when the couple gets to know each other again. A couples therapist supports you with sharing and hearing what was happening to cause the betrayal.

The affair is one secret that's been kept in the relationship. Often many wants, needs, and feelings that have not been discussed by either partner.

This can sound like:

  • "In what ways has our relationship let you down in the past?"

  • "What are your hopes for our future, and what do you need from me right now?"

3. Attachment

The final stage of attachment involves reconnecting and moving forward. This is marked by a commitment from both partners to stay in the relationship. The couple begins to feel safely and confidently attached to each other and can begin to reassess life goals and meaning.

Couples reach this stage when they begin having genuine fun on dates, experience an increase in healthy sexual intimacy, and can talk to each other with a deep sense of openness and security.

Though a majority of relationships have the capacity to survive an affair and can become stronger and more intimate with the help of couples therapy. 

Repair after an affair is not for everyone and separation can become necessary.  

By Eunice Akinola, MFT

Eunice Akinola MFT is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Eunice offers services in person at our Rittenhouse location and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports couples, families, adult individuals, as they navigate infidelity, trauma, conflict patterns, family dynamics, relationship and intimacy issues. To schedule an appointment click here.

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A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma. 

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