On Connection: Vulnerability

By Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT

Recently, vulnerability has gotten a lot of coverage in the media due to Brené Brown's research and popularity. Her books, Tedtalks, and Super Soul Sunday interview, have brought a very important conversation about the power of vulnerability (and of shame) on our ability to connect. If you haven't heard her speak yet, check out her Tedtalk here. She is smart, funny, and relatable. And she explains a concept that is foreign to many of us in a digestible manner. Before we dive in, let's begin with this thought from Brené:

vulnerability – the willingness to be “all in” even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave.

So why is placing yourself in front of a risk that could mean pain a good thing? Because without it we are not open enough for connection. Others cannot connect with you if they cannot see you.Vulnerability means allowing yourself to be human in the eyes of others and not allowing the shame of your humanity to cover it up. Vulnerability is authentic and transparent. It is not passive and it is not aggressive. It lives somewhere in the middle.

Here are some examples of how vulnerability and shame express themselves during human experiences:

When you've made a mistake:

Vulnerable:  Approaching your boss and saying "I am embarrassed to say this, but I think I messed up. Let me know what I can do to make this better".

Shame: {I am going to keep quiet about this mistake and hope no one notices}.

When someone else makes a mistake:

Vulnerability: "I noticed that a mistake was made on your project. I want to check in with you to make sure you have everything you need to succeed at this project".

Shame: "Are you an idiot?"

When someone has hurt you:

Vulnerability: “What you did was hurtful. I am not sure what that means for our relationship, but I needed to share that with you".

Shame: {cutting off the person} or "Fuck you!"

When you don't know the answer: 

Vulnerability: "Wow, that's a great question. I am really not sure but let me ask around"

Shame: {talking in circles} or {making up answers}.

You might notice that vulnerability has a voice. Shame is either too quiet or too loud and ultimately it causes you to "cover up". Oftentimes, my clients mistake vulnerability for weakness. They hear the word and associate it with someone being a pushover. This is not the definition we are using for the sake of this post. For the sake of this post we mean that vulnerability is the act of being truly honest with your experiences, needs, and feelings when it is important. It means you do not hide. It means that you do not allow uncomfortable experiences to become "armored" experiences. This is brave.

And how does this support connection?

Connection occurs when there is an act of sharing between people. We like people that we relate with. If you tell me about the time you wet your pants in front of everyone at summer camp then I can tell you about how my mom made me wear pull-ups to sleepover parties. I tell you I love you then you will feel comfortable telling me that you love me too. By sharing authentically we say that we are invested and trusting in the relationship. This investment opens the door for the other person to also lean in and be authentic. If they don't then they have more work to do and that isn't your burden. Vulnerability does not mean oversharing or overburdening others. There are times and things that are appropriate and inappropriate to share (which we will address in another post). It can take work to recognize the difference but over time you will improve your ability to use it.

In summary vulnerability is the the ability to say:

This is my truth. I hope you like it but if you do not that is okay too. We are in this together"

Philadelphia marriage therapy

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a couples and individual therapist in Philadelphia, PA. Elizabeth specializes in relationship issues and supports both couples and individuals in learning to connect better.