Article by Kenna Mellinger, MFT

Sexual fulfillment plays a vital role in enhancing relationships by fostering warmth, emotional intimacy, and desire. Sometimes, one or both partners may experience reduced sexual satisfaction or a lack of desire, which can impact their connection. Developing a shared sexual language is important to support love, trust, and loyalty in a relationship.

Couples who face challenges such as low desire, mismatched libidos, or sexual dysfunction often need a safe space to explore their feelings and thoughts about sex. In my therapy sessions, I typically begin with an exercise based on The Dual Control Model.

The Dual Control Model explains that sexual arousal is regulated by two systems:

Accelerators are the “turn-ons” that stimulate your body and brain to become aroused.
Brakes are the “turn-offs” that signal your body and brain to reduce or block arousal.

This can be anything from your environment, everything you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, or imagine,

Opening a dialogue about these factors with your partner is essential. While these conversations can sometimes feel uncomfortable, frustrating, or upsetting, having a safe space to explore them can be very helpful.

In sessions, I begin by providing psychoeducation about the Dual Control Model. Then, I guide individuals or couples through identifying their accelerators — discussing physical attraction, positive memories of past sexual experiences, body image, thoughts about the relationship, emotional connection, novelty, and environment. Each partner takes turns sharing their “turn-ons.”

Next, we shift to exploring the brakes, which might include lack of attraction, stress, negative thoughts or insecurities, difficult memories of past experiences, distractions, and environmental factors.

This conversation fosters open communication and mutual understanding, helping partners explore their different needs. Discussing what supports connection can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

By Kenna Mellinger, MFT

Kenna Mellinger, MFT is a therapist in our New Hope and Easton, PA Offices. Kenna offers services in person and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals, couples, and families as they navigate their relationships, family dynamics, infidelity, trauma, and life transitions. To schedule an appointment click here.

A BETTER LIFE THERAPY

A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.