Transforming Conflict: Strengthen your Communication with ‘The Gentle Start-Up’

Article by Mary Fung-A-Fat, MED

Communication is one of the pillars of a relationship, and the way we communicate can either bring us closer together or push us apart. When it comes to conflict, it is inevitable in any relationship. However, what separates the ‘relationship masters’ from the ‘relationship disasters’ is the way in which they manage it.

What is The Gentle Start Up?

Co-founded by the renowned psychologists, Dr. Julie and John Gottman, The Gottman Method is a highly research-based approach to couple’s therapy that focuses on building healthy communication patterns, fostering emotional connection, and managing conflict productively. One powerful tool in their arsenal of techniques is “The Gentle Start-Up”. This communication technique was created to support their work by introducing more respect and kindness into the start of a conversation and reducing blame.

In a six-year study, the Gottman’s discovered that the way a conversation begins can predict how it ends – as quickly as within the first three minutes. According to their research, the couples that ended up divorced started their conversation with more negativity towards their partner, compared to the couples that remained together at the six-year mark. They found that conversations that started with harsh attacks and criticism were likely to be met with defensiveness or withdrawal, and end with the same level of tension or more. Whereas conversations that started with respect and compassion tended to invite vulnerability and understanding, thus creating a space for collaboration and emotional connection.

Steps for the Gentle Start Up:

1. Express your Feelings using “I” statements.

As the Gottman’s say, “complain, but don’t criticize”. Criticism is usually perceived as an attack, which then invites defensiveness, usually followed by endless circular fights we are all too familiar with. Criticism often starts with “You” statements followed by an absolute like “always” or “never”, which is often received as accusatory. Try to use “I” Statements to express the core feeling. Beneath anger is usually a deeper feeling of hurt. When we express these deeper, more vulnerable feelings, it’s usually received with more compassion and openness.

For example, “I feel overwhelmed…”

Tip: Getting to the vulnerable core feeling usually takes patience and control when we become emotionally escalated. Pausing and practicing grounding techniques to soothe yourself before the conversation will allow you to gather your thoughts and feelings and approach the conversation from a calmer perspective versus a reactive one.

2. Describe the Situation without Judgement

Be clear and concise about what made you feel this way. Doing this without judgement or blame is key. Judgment and criticism will only elicit defensiveness, which usually escalates into high conflict and noneffective communication. Describe the situation objectively and respectfully, focusing on how it affected you.

“I feel overwhelmed…when I come home from a stressful day at work and find the kitchen messy…”

Tip: Try not to bring up several issues at once. This can be overwhelming to your partner and become tangential to the conversation. Keep it specific!

3. Express your Needs Positively

“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!” Framing your needs from a positive perspective impacts the way it is received. Speaking to your partner from a place of love and respect is likely to be followed up with empathy and support.

“I feel overwhelmed…when I come home from a stressful day at work and find the kitchen messy…I’d really appreciate it if you could help me out by tidying the sink before I get home.”

Tip: Even if you think your partner should know why something has made you feel a certain way, if they are not doing it, they certainly are not reading your mind. Say it (with love) anyway!

Like any skill, practice makes perfect! While this may feel forced at first, or challenging in the moment, overtime, people tend to develop their own tone and style using the scaffolding of the technique. The goal is to make this way of communicating become a mindset, so that conflict not only becomes an opportunity to have difficult conversations, but to do it in a manner that fosters deeper connection.

While our old ways of communicating can lead us down a familiar path of reactivity and destruction, The Gentle Start-Up will require you to trek along the winding roads of self-awareness, intentionality, and commitment to the process. Though it may not feel like the easier path at first, it is likely to lead you down more peaceful pastures – where respect, compassion, and connection flourish.

by Mary Fung-A-Fat, MED

Mary Fung-A-Fat, MED is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Mary offers services online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals and couples as they learn to navigate the end of relationships. To schedule an appointment click here.

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