Attachment Styles: Avoidant
Avoidant attachment is the result of caregivers rejecting or ignoring a child’s emotional needs. Consistently telling a child not to feel or that what they are feeling is “bad” or ignoring them when they’re hurt or upset will result in a child that gives up on connecting. In order to survive these children develop a false sense of “unneeding”. Very sadly, they begin to think - “ I should not feel AND if I do something is wrong with me AND if I need help then people will reject me. They stop going to their attachment figures and they become VERY good at numbing. When psychologists observe avoidant children, they have noticed that they avoid their parent. When these children become adults they experience a lot of internal anxiety but it is not expressed. They are unlikely to ask directly for help or to show vulnerability. They develop physical ailments, as a result. They do seek out love but if the relationship becomes emotionally close they might deem it “too needy” and then find ways to create distance or to end the relationship. Partner’s will often feel that he or she is tuned out, especially during highly emotional conversations. Those with avoidant attachment also report fewer memories of childhood. Interestingly enough, avoidant styles often seek out preoccupied Attachment styles. As you can imagine, they trigger each other and reassert any of the beliefs either partner had - the avoidant partner continues to believe that people are too needy and the preoccupied partner continues to believe that people are unreliable and will leave. Learning to recognize the anxiety and speak to it is a good step to beginning to develop a more secure attachment. Working with a therapist to develop a sense of security to be vulnerable and to find ways to appreciate and identify both physical and emotional feelings are the tasks of developing a more securely attached style. Again, these things can change! I see it all the time in my office.
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a licensed marriage therapist in Philadelphia. Elizabeth supports individuals and couples improve the relationship they have with themselves and others through better communication, self soothing, and a clear understanding of what a successful marriage looks like. She believes that any committed couples who is willing to do the work can walk away from therapy with more clarity and connection in their relationship.