Healing Your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are not set in stone. They change over the course of our lives. They are first impacted by childhood, but continue to be molded by further experiences of relationships, life, and emotional and mental health. For instance, even the most “securely attached” adolescents are often somewhat anxious in their attachment when dating.If you've had a cruel partner or were cheated on, then perhaps you developed an insecure attachment style later in life.If you were insecure and then had friends and partners that were secure then you might also have developed a secure attachment style.Here are a few things you can do to improve your secure feelings in relationships:
Learn to self soothe. Anxiety creates physical discomfort which then encourages behavior. If you can soothe the physical discomfort then you’re less likely to do things you later regret.
Build yourself up- practice your hobbies, do well in work, be a good friend.
Understand your narrative- what’s the story of your life? What insight do you have on the patterns you learned from family? How do you react in the present to your past?
Go to therapy! Seriously, it’s hard to see what’s going on, sometimes. A therapist can be your mirror AND teach you relationship and coping skills.
Mindfulness- learn to be aware of the current moment and predicament.
Assertiveness- Learn how to ask for what you want.
Practice- go on dates!
Take it slow - don’t dive in
Take small emotional risks - if avoidant try to find ways to be vulnerable, if you’re preoccupied try to withstand the urge to connect.
Conscious Choices - pay attention to who you’re pairing up with. Try to find someone that’s working on their stuff as hard as you are OR someone that has a secure style.
Philadelphia marriage therapy
What are your thoughts on the attachment series? Anything you still want to know?
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a licensed marriage therapist in Philadelphia. Elizabeth supports individuals and couples improve the relationship they have with themselves and others through better communication, self soothing, and a clear understanding of what a successful marriage looks like. She believes that any committed couples who is willing to do the work can walk away from therapy with more clarity and connection in their relationship.