How and When to Take Responsible Distance from Your Partner

Article By Jessica Michels, LAMFT

“Never go to bed angry”—it’s a tip as old as time that is shared with the best intentions. But, from a couple’s therapy and nervous system perspective, is it really the best advice? Like all things in the complicated world of relationships, the answer is probably nuanced and exists as part of a larger conversation. This conversation being about the concept of responsible distance taking. So, what does it mean to take distance responsibly?

What Responsible Distance Taking Is

Terry Real, renowned psychotherapist and developer of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), defines responsible distance taking as a constructive communication strategy with two essential parts:

Part One: An explanation of why the distance is being taken
Part Two: A promise for return

The purpose of taking responsible distance is to support one or both partners in cooling off during heated conflicts. The goal is that the couple can ultimately return to the conversation with more capacity to thoughtfully communicate and repair. When used mindfully, it fosters a sense of safety and amplifies connection. Let’s align on mindful use:

Part One: The explanation for why the distance is being taken is framed using “I” statements from the partner initiating the distance. This sounds something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and think that if we continue this conversation, I won’t be able to communicate constructively.” This exists in contrast to the oh so tempting (and oh so used by me in my less relational moments), “You’re being unreasonable, and I don’t feel like dealing with you right now.”
Part Two: The promise for return tells our partner when we will be coming back, at least for a check in. When this part is not included, our partners can be left feeling anxious, confused, and helpless. We’ll dive into more detail about how to know when to come back to conversations fully following responsible distance, but generally, some helpful intervals to start with are: twenty minutes, an hour, three hours, an overnight, a half day, and a whole day. Check ins do not have to be followed by a full re-initiation of the conversation. They can simply sound like, “Hey—I’m still not feeling ready to dive back into our conversation, but I wanted to check in. I’ll reach back out in X amount of time to check back in.” Ideally, they happen in person, but they’re also effective via call or text if digital means feel more accessible.

One critical caveat to these two parts: sometimes when partners are feeling completely overwhelmed and becoming destructive, reciting these parts is just not possible. In these moments, it’s still more responsible to take distance than it is to say or do things we’ll regret. With that in mind, it can be helpful to connect with our partner in a calm moment to align on a shorthand we can use when things get heated that implies the two parts of responsible distance taking. A simple “TIMEOUT” or a hand-signal T could mean, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and think that if we continue this conversation, I won’t be able to communicate constructively. I’ll check back in in one hour.” This bit of proactivity when regulated can do wonders in helping our dysregulated selves protect each other.

For more tips on taking responsible distance, I absolutely recommend reading Terry Real’s 10 Commandments of Timeouts in a Relationship linked here.

What Responsible Distance Taking Is Not

Responsible distance taking is not unilateral distance taking by storming out, stonewalling, or shutting down without warning. While they can feel enticing and sometimes even empowering, these types of distance are destructive and ultimately lead to relational rupture, rather than repair.

When to Take Responsible Distance

Relational conflict can be overwhelming. Truly. Our nervous systems are designed to co-regulate. The combination of a tender topic, a destructive communication process, and a partner that is also dysregulated can be too much to bear in a moment. Conflicts can take us out of what psychiatrist and educator Dr. Dan Siegel calls our “window of tolerance”—the optimal zone of arousal for the human nervous system to function, manage emotions, and process stress effectively without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. When we’re out of our window of tolerance, our thinking/rational brain shuts down, and our survival brain takes over. We speak less constructively, listen less perceptively, and have a tendency to amplify conflict. Some signs we’ve moved out of our window of tolerance include, but are not limited to:

Somatic symptoms: tension, shaking, racing heart, numbness, reduced physical movement
Emotional symptoms: rage, feeling unsafe, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, intense reactions, depression, shame, feeling disconnected/detached
Cognitive symptoms: obsessive/cynical thoughts, intrusive imagery, racing thoughts, memory loss, shutdown, difficulty saying no or defending oneself
Relying heavily on losing strategies: withdraw, unbridled self-expression, being right, defensiveness, controlling your partner

Everyone experiences dysregulation differently, so it can be helpful to take time in a calm moment to attune to how we know we’re there. Worksheets like this one can be particularly supportive.

Moving back into our window of tolerance often requires the intentional time and space that responsible distance can provide. So, if you find yourself or your partner moving out of your windows of tolerance, it’s probably time to take some responsible distance.

A friendly reminder from someone who has certainly made this mistake, our explanations of why we’re taking distance should still revolve around us, even if our partner is the one we notice as dysregulated. Telling our partner, “We need to take a timeout because you’re clearly dysregulated” rarely works out in our favor… especially if it’s true.

When to Return to our Partner

The goal of taking distance responsibly is not to maintain distance forever. It’s to return with a greater sense of regulation and motivation for resolution. When deciding whether we’re in a space where that is possible, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

Am I within my window of tolerance? To answer this, check to see if you’re feeling more calm, compassionate, curious, and capable of both feeling and thinking clearly.
Am I capable of being relationally mindful? To answer this, check to see if you’re able and willing to hold in mind that the person you’re returning to communicate with is someone you care about and that your goal is not to prove you’re right and they’re wrong, but to come back into harmony with them.

If our answers are yes, woohoo! We’re ready to re-connect and see if our partner is as well. If our answers are no, no problem. This just means we may need to keep tapping into our self-soothing skills before taking steps toward re-connection.

So, Should We Go to Bed Angry?

So… should we go to bed angry? Maybe sometimes. Though it may not be as quippy, the expression could probably benefit from a therapist-inspired addendum. “Never go to bed angry” ... unless you’ve moved out of your window of tolerance to the point that you believe staying awake together would be destructive, rather than constructive, and have communicated that awareness to your partner responsibly.

By jessica Michels, LAMFT

Jessica is a therapist at our Ardmore office and offers services in person and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. Jessica is experienced with working with adults, couples, and adolescents experiencing challenges with grief and loss, self-esteem challenges, infidelity, anxiety, and trauma.
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A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.