Article by Leah Sinderbrand, MFT

Have you ever found yourself in an argument where your partner suddenly goes quiet, avoids eye contact, or leaves the room? Or maybe you’re the one who feels overwhelmed and senses yourself shutting down. This is called emotional withdrawal, and it’s one of the most common patterns we see in relationships.

Withdrawal often happens when someone feels flooded, meaning they are too overwhelmed to respond. Shutting down in response to flooding becomes a form of self-protection, and even escapism. While it may bring temporary relief, over time it can create distance, loneliness, and frustration in the relationship. Here’s what’s important to remember: withdrawal doesn’t mean we don’t care. In fact, many of those who withdraw or shut down deeply care, but feel unequipped and unable to locate the skills to cope in the moment.

So, how can couples interrupt this cycle and go from self-protection to connection?

Recognize the signs when you’re feeling flooded.
Signs of feeling flooded may include racing thoughts, a pounding heart, or feeling like you can’t think straight are signals that your nervous system is headed towards shutting down, and keeping you from tuning in to the moment.
Take a pause or “time out” that’s intentional—not avoidant.
Let your partner know, “I can sense myself beginning to shut down. I need a break, but I’ll come back in 20 minutes.” This helps build trust by letting them know when you plan to come back. During this pause, you can seek out tools that help you regulate your nervous system, and reflect on what you are feeling. Regulating can look like splashing cold water on your face, a walk around the neighborhood, journaling your thoughts, or engaging in rhythmic breathing.
Practice a gentle return to the conversation.
When you feel more regulated and ready to return, share what you were feeling instead of staying closed off. Even brief moments of openness foster connection.

When it comes to conflict, the goal isn’t to go on avoiding it—it’s to navigate it in a way that feels generative and fosters connection. By understanding why withdrawal happens and how to repair after it, couples can move from disconnection toward safety and closeness.

If you notice this pattern in your relationship, couples therapy can offer tools to slow down, stay present, and reconnect. How might your relationship feel different if both of you had space to pause and then come back together?

by Leah Sinderbrand, MFT

Leah Sinderbrand, MFT is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Leah offers services in person at our Fishtown location and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports adult individuals, adolescents, families and couples as they navigate relationship patterns & dynamics, anxiety, sexuality & intimacy, depression, and grief. To schedule an appointment click here.

A BETTER LIFE THERAPY

A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.