Article by Jessica Michels, MFT

We tend to think of grief as black and white. Someone sadly passes away, and those who loved them mourn their loss. Though, there are other kinds of grief that live in the grey of the losses we don’t always recognize as such. The loss of a healthy relationship with a parent we never had, of a dream that couldn’t become reality, of some idea we had about life or ourselves. The list is nearly infinite, but its recognition is often forgotten.

Some common grey kinds of grief we may experience are:

Ambiguous Grief: A loss that exists without closure. Particularly, the loss of a person who is physically present, yet psychologically absent (for example, with dementia, addiction, or narcissism) or a person who is psychologically present, yet physically absent (for example, with divorces, break ups, or cut offs).
Relational Grief: A loss of the fantasy of who we hoped someone could be, rather than the reality of who that someone truly is. This kind of grief is especially common in toxic or emotionally harmful relationships, where the loss isn’t always about the person themselves, but about the dream we held onto.
Disenfranchised Grief: A loss of something or someone society does not typically deem worth grieving (for example, a pet, a miscarriage, or an abusive parent).
Grief of the Self: A loss of a part of your self, a version of yourself, an opportunity for yourself, or a future for yourself as a result of the complexities of trauma or the realities of life.

With so much capacity for grief and often so little acknowledgement, it’s no wonder we can find ourselves lost and confused in these feelings. So, how do we find more solace?

1. Move Toward Radical Acceptance

Grief, in any form, can be one of the most painful and disorienting experiences. And yet, it is also a gateway to healing. A key step on that path is often something called radical acceptance. This doesn’t mean liking or agreeing with what’s happened—it simply means acknowledging reality as it is, without trying to resist or reshape it into something more comfortable. Radical acceptance invites us to stop wrestling with what we cannot control and instead make space for our feelings about our truth. This might include letting go of efforts to change something or someone who cannot or will not change—a narcissistic parent, an abusive partner, or even a chronic medical condition. While this can feel incredibly difficult, it also opens the door to greater clarity and possibility.

2. Name Your Experience

Dr. Dan Siegel, a leading neuroscientist, coined the phrase “name it to tame it.” By simply naming what we’re feeling, we begin to calm our nervous system and bring a sense of internal order to emotional upheaval. Further, research from experts like Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett highlights the value of emotional granularity—the ability to identify and describe emotions with precision. The more clearly we can name what we’re feeling, the more supported our nervous system becomes. If you think you might be grieving, see if there’s a type of grief that feels true to your experience. And remember: grief doesn’t always fall into neat categories. It’s okay if what you’re feeling is complex, layered, or difficult to describe.

3. Validate the Feelings That Arise

There is no single “right” way to grieve. Grief is deeply personal and may show up differently from one moment to the next. We might feel sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, relief, confusion—or a combination of many emotions all at once. We may even feel nothing at all. All of these responses are valid. Try to meet them with gentle curiosity instead of judgment. Emotions are not problems to be solved—they’re signals to be honored. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s real, and you deserve to feel it in your own time and way. Try to offer yourself compassion as you move through it.

4. Honor and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

When grief is tied to complicated or toxic relationships, setting boundaries can be an act of deep self-care. Even if love still exists, well-being and safety come first. It is not unloving to protect yourself—it is wise and necessary. Creating emotional or physical distance might bring its own layer of grief, and that too deserves care and compassion. Still, boundaries allow us to hold love for others without losing our love for ourselves.

5. Seek Support Where It’s Safe

Grief often feels isolating, especially when it doesn't fit into the more recognized categories of loss. But no one is meant to carry it alone. When shared with the right people—those who are kind, safe, and nonjudgmental—our stories can become a source of connection and healing. Social support, whether emotional or tactical, can provide validation, resilience, and a sense of belonging. And, when we share our grief, we may unintentionally give someone else permission to name and honor their own.

6. Create Meaningful Rituals

Rituals help us mark transitions, process emotions, and create structure in chaos. While many cultures have beautiful traditions for mourning the death of a loved one, we often lack rituals for more “grey” kinds of grief. But rituals don’t have to be traditional to be powerful. Lighting a candle, writing a letter, creating art, or simply setting aside time to reflect can all become meaningful ways to honor our experiences. So, if you may be finding yourself in a moment of grey grief, ask yourself: How might I acknowledge this loss in a way that feels personal and intentional? The options are limitless and their outcome might provide the possibility of some ceremonial closure.

by Jessica Michels, MFT

Jessica Michels, MFT is a therapist in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. Jessica offers services in person at our Ardmore location and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports adult individuals, adolescents, and couples as they navigate trauma, grief and loss, relationship issues and narcissistic abuse. To schedule an appointment click here.

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A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.