Article by Shannon Mcgovern, Ma, NCC

According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, there are four behaviors that have been identified that can predict break-up and divorce. These four behaviors are named the “four horsemen” and include contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stone-walling. Gottman also identified the antidote to each of the four horsemen that can be used to counteract each of these problematic behaviors.

Read below to learn to identify each of the four horsemen and their antidotes.

Criticism

Criticism involves blaming a problem in the relationship on a personality flaw in your partner. Criticism is different than simply voicing a complaint. With criticism, individuals are attacking their partner at the core of their character. Couples often engage in criticism because their needs are not being met. Partners that are critical of each other often make the other person feel rejected and hurt.

Example: “You never listen to me when I am talking. You are so dismissive and selfish”

The antidote: Stating your needs using a gentle start-up

Instead of criticizing your partner, it is important to state your needs in order to solve the problem. You can do this using something called a “gentle start-up”. A gentle start-up involves talking about your feelings using an “I” statement and expressing a positive need. Remember, when we are being critical, it is often because we have needs that are not being met, and it is easier to blame our partner, than express what we need. Therefore, in a gentle start-up, we are letting our partners know how we feel and what we need.

Example: “I feel unheard and unimportant when I am talking and you don’t seem to be listening. It is important to me that we both feel listened to. Can we work to make this happen together?”

2. Contempt

When partners are being contemptuous, they are taking a position of superiority over their partner and are attacking their partner’s sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse. This can take the form of insults, sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, hostile humor, and scoffing. Partners typically engage in this behavior because they are experiencing significant hurt or a betrayal, have a belief that they are superior, they feel unappreciated, or they witnessed contempt being modeled in their childhood. Contempt is the single most predictor of a relationship ending and should be addressed immediately.

Example: “You are so useless. I don’t know why I even bother to ask you for help.”

The antidote: Exploring and sharing your own feelings and building a culture of appreciation in the relationship

Instead of engaging in contempt, it is important that partners explore where these feelings are stemming from and share their feelings and needs with their partner. Additionally, it is important to build a culture of appreciation in your relationship. Building a culture of appreciation helps to create a positive perspective in your relationship that then acts as a buffer against negative feelings. You can create a culture of appreciation by reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and regularly expressing gratitude, affection, appreciation and respect.

Example: “Thank you for being willing to help out. It means a lot to me when we can work together to get things done”

3. Defensiveness

During defensiveness, partners victimize themselves and turn the blame around onto their partner. This can look like hearing a complaint and disregarding its validity or your responsibility. Defensiveness is often a response to criticism and when you feel you are being attacked. During defensiveness, partners typically look for excuses in order to play the victim to get their partner to back off. During defensiveness, individuals typically use the phrases “you do it too”, “but”, or find themselves over explaining. When partners become defensive, their partners typically feel that they aren’t able to take responsibility, that their concerns aren’t valid, or that they don’t understand or take their concerns seriously.

Example: “I only yelled at you because you were being so annoying”

The antidote: Taking responsibility

Instead of becoming defensive, take responsibility for your actions or part in the conflict, accept your partner’s perspective, and apologize for any wrongdoings. When you take responsibility, it helps to prevent continued conflict by allowing your partner to lower their guard and work toward compromise.
Example: “I am sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. Let’s talk about what is bothering both of us”

4. Stone-walling

Stone-walling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction by shutting down and stopping their responses to their partner. Stone-walling can also take the form of turning away, tuning out, engaging in distracting behaviors, and pretending to be busy. Stone-walling occurs when we feel physiologically flooded. We feel too overwhelmed to discuss things, so we shut down, stop talking, and disengage.

Example: “I can’t deal with you right now, I am going out”

The antidote: Take a break and self-soothe

Instead of stone-walling, you can try physiologically self-soothing. In order to self-soothe, we must first stop the conflict and take a break. We want to express to our partners that we need a break instead of just walking away so they don’t feel abandoned.

Example: “I am feeling really overwhelmed and need to take a break. Can you please give me thirty minutes and then we can talk again”

Once you begin to take a break, it is important to try to not think about the argument at hand in order to allow ourselves to calm down. Instead, try engaging in an activity that is soothing and distracting. This can be reading, going for a walk, listening to music, or doing a chore. You can also engage in deep breathing and grounding exercises. It is important that the break lasts for at least twenty minutes in order to allow your body to physiologically calm down. If you need more time than that, take the time; however, make sure that you don’t forget about the conflict altogether.

It is important to understand and deal with the Four Horsemen in order to protect your relationship. The better you can keep these behaviors at bay, the more likely you are to have a stable relationship.

By Shannon Mcgovern, Ma, NCC

Shannon McGovern, MA is a therapist in New Hope, Pennsylvania. Shannon offers services in person at our New Hope location and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals and couples as they navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues and life transitions with children. To schedule an appointment click here.

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