Valentines Day in a Long Distance Relationship
Article By: Emma Carpenter
As a therapist who not only aids couples in managing long distance relationships, but successfully made it through 3 years of long distance myself, I have found some creative ways to adapt therapy tools to withstand the distance.
With Valentine's Day around the corner, couples in LDRs may be feeling a bit less excited than other couples due to a lack of ideas on how to have a romantic date night. One of my first pieces of advice for those couples: start off by thinking about what you would want to do in person. You don't need to reinvent the wheel, it's a lot easier to think of ways to adapt what you would typically do than start in the mindset of "what is a long distance thing we can do".
Below is a list of things that easy translate over Skype or FaceTime:
- Dinner and a movie: order takeout from similar restaurants, swing by the store to grab some drinks if you like, and rent or stream the same movie to watch while while you both snack on some popcorn
- Game Night: lots of games have been adapted to virtual platforms, especially since the start of the pandemic. If you have iPhones, you can use the App GamePigeon to play things like UNO, basketball, pool, darts, mini golf, Scrabble, checkers, and shuffleboard. Websites like tabletopia.com have over a thousand free games you can play together, and Smithsonian Magazine has an article with links to 12 classic board games you can play for little to no cost.
- Arts and crafts: The same way you might do Painting With A Twist in person, you can easily replicate an art class with your favorite drinks over video chat. Grab some cheap art supplies from Walmart, Target, or a craft store and look up free youtube how-to videos that will guide you step by step through making almost anything you like!
If you're feeling bored of the same old date nights, I highly recommend using Pinterest! It has hundreds of date night ideas that you can use and adapt to a virtual date with your partner.
If you're feeling at a loss for what to talk about since talking is all you have to keep the relationship going, there are a couple tools I share with my clients to get them talking about more meaningful topics. As a Gottman trained couples therapist, I only give my clients tools that are backed by years of research and that I myself have used in my relationship.
The first is a book written by John & Julie Gottman called "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love". Each chapter of the book guides you through date nights centered around a theme that is a foundational part of a lasting relationship. For instance, trust, commitment, intimacy, fun, family planning, etc. It gives you open-ended questions for conversation starters, questionnaires to explore together, and even a few ideas for what to do as an activity for each date.
For couples who are further along in their relationship and are considering spending their lives together, I recommend another Gottman tool: the 52 Questions Before Moving In or Marriage card deck. You can get it directly through the Gottman Institute website, and it gives you multiple questions per card to help you explore all the important aspects of successful marriages.
Even with all the best date night ideas to help keep the romance and connection going strong, there will be times when you really miss your partner. Miss having them to cuddle with, hold hands with, have sex with, or just having them around.
When this happens, there are a couple things you can do:
- Tell your partner you miss them! Tell them what you miss, even if it's a bit frisky. It can feel weird or dorky at first, but it helps. Just because there is physical distance between you doesn't mean the physical part of your relationship has to be ignored!
- Make concrete plans to visit each other. I know that can be hard for some couples due to the pandemic or financial limitations. If that's the case for you and your partner, make sure you know when the long distance portion of your relationship will end. It's a lot harder to hold onto hope for the future if you don't know when you'll finally be together.
Long distance relationships can be hard - they certainly add a unique layer of obstacles to overcome - but that doesn't mean that they can't be just as successful, happy, and healthy as in person relationships.
Philadelphia Therapist
Emma Carpenter helps couples overcome "modern day" obstacles- like living long distance. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Emma click here!