Flexibility when Dealing with Anger

Article By: Kristelle Mallah, LMFT

Some people fear anger and try to avoid it at any cost. Anger is like any other feeling; no feeling is problematic. It is when we try to avoid the feeling or when we get hooked to it that we start experiencing negative consequences.

The first step to dealing with anger is to separate the feeling from the action that accompanies it. It is crucial to leave space between the feeling and the urge to act. It is also important to take that step back and observe the feeling by naming it and acknowledging its presence as well as observe the thoughts associated with it. When you observe the feeling, it becomes separate from you. Being the observer of the feeling gives you the flexibility to choose what to do. You cannot stop the feelings of anger from crippling up but what you can control is the way you respond. Responding vs reacting is a major key in dealing with anger.

The steps below will help you gain more flexibility when dealing with anger: 

1- Bring awareness to the feeling 

Identify where in your body you are experiencing this feeling, slow down and do a body scan.

2- Name the feeling 

It is crucial to identify and name it - “I am noticing the feeling of anger.”

3- Acknowledge the feeling and use compassion 

We are so conditioned to dismiss our feelings and try to minimize at times their effects and intensity. It is crucial to remind ourselves that anger is hard to experience, and it elicits some struggles. When struggling it is healthy to provide ourselves with some compassion and kindness which will look like giving ourselves hugs, going for a walk, getting a massage…

4- Accept the feeling and make space for it to exist

Put your hands on the part of the body that feels that anger, breathe through it and radiate some kindness and peace.

5- Observe the thoughts 
Become aware of the thoughts that are popping in your head and running the show. Those thoughts are mostly harsh judgments and/or rigid beliefs about what you should/ should not do. When you let those thoughts run the show you start feeling more angry and if you act on them you might find yourself engaging in acts that are not helpful or constructive.  That is why It is important to name those thoughts and observe them as means to take away the power from them.

When you observe them ask yourself the following questions:

If I believe those thoughts, what will I find myself feeling and doing? 

A follow up question is: Are those thoughts serving me and the life I want to live? If the answer is no, then let the thoughts be and move your attention into a place where you can intentionally choose value guided actions.

When thinking about your values, it is helpful to ask yourself: what is this feeling telling me that is important to me and to my life, what is underlying this feeling of anger that needs attention and some compassion, and what does anger tell me about the things I need to stand up for, the things that I care about and need to deal with?

Philadelphia and Leigh Valley Therapist

Kristelle Mallah  is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering therapy to residents or Pennsylvania and Leigh Valley. She supports adults who struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety, relational issues, and insecure attachments. She also enjoys working with families as well to help them create a more fulfilling family unit. If you believe you are having trouble with any of these subjects, Kristelle, would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).