How can you manage yourself when dealing with High Conflict Co-parenting?

Article By: Jenny Midence-Blaszczyk

Learning how to navigate through a new divorce and/or separation can leave individuals with children to be fueled by many emotions. It can be especially seen as triggering or distressing when a high conflict co-parent is involved. If I told you to take part in disengagement as a result of this, it sounds nice in theory; however, as we know, disengagement is not as easy as it seems. Therefore, this becomes a challenge to not respond/react to the temptations and habits of your previous dynamic with this person.  

It is instinctual to go into fight or flight responses when you feel activated or have the chaotic thought such as “Am I in danger? I need to do something!”.

Therefore, what’s in your best interest is to increase awareness of the emotional distress by engaging in what I like to call the 3 D’s:

• Distract

• Delay 

• Decide

Utilizing this technique will allow the conflict cycle to break and, as a result, you will no longer need to release the emotional distress.  Here we begin to establish a new habit by orienting the self. Mindfulness plays a role in this during the distraction period by becoming cognizant of your own breathing (ex: how heavy/strong it is as response to a text received, is my heart rate going up?). Once the awareness of your body’s activation is increased, we can begin to move in to understanding how delay helps with knowing how to override this. Delaying can also be noted as tolerating the sensation. 

As your nervous system settles, it is then when you can use a different part of your brain and are able to decide to do something totally different (i.e. Disengagement!) A sense of self adds value to this process when dealing with a high conflict parent because it allows us to manage and perceive the parts in panic/in distress differently.

Main Line and Pennsylvania Therapist

Jenny Midence-Blaszczyk, is a therapist practicing at our office in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania. Jenny supports people across the Main Line and from the city of Philadelphia that have a history of struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction and substance abuse, relationships, and major life transitions. She can support you with processing trauma. To schedule with Jenny for an appointment at our Bala Cynwyd office or virtually please click here.