The Gratitude Paradox
By; Virginia Harr, LCSW
The Importance of Gratitude
There has been a lot of coverage recently about the importance and benefits of gratitude. And with good reason. Research shows that engaging in gratitude exercises can decrease depression symptoms, improve interpersonal relationships, and have many health benefits including a better night’s sleep. Cultivating gratitude as a regular practice can also be a helpful way of widening your perspective and savoring pleasurable moments.
Is it always helpful to practice gratitude?
But when there is pressure to feel gratitude it is rarely helpful. For example, the college student who missed a year of being on campus but feels she shouldn’t be upset because at least her family members stayed healthy in the pandemic. Or the grown son feeling disappointed with his father, who pushes it aside because “he has done so much for me.” Or the new mom who is frustrated with her crying newborn but feels guilty, shouldn’t she just be grateful for a healthy baby? The belief behind all of these thoughts- if you felt truly grateful you would not feel the other (unpleasant) emotions.
But unpleasant feelings-sadness, anger, fear- are an integral part of the human experience and need to be attended to. Feeling sad, angry, or scared is not a reflection that you are ungrateful but that you are alive. And at times these feelings will need your full attention, and that’s okay. It’s important to attend to what’s there even when, (maybe especially when), it’s difficult or painful. There may be other times when you notice you can hold both the unpleasant feeling and gratitude simultaneously. “This is so disappointing AND I’m glad my partner is being so supportive.” In my experience however, it often takes allowing and accepting your unpleasant feelings before gratitude can feel genuine. And trying to force gratitude upon yourself is usually counterproductive.
Exploring Forced Gratitude
If you notice yourself engaging in forced gratitude, you might ask yourself why. Is it a way to avoid a more difficult feeling? Is it because you believe you don’t deserve to feel what you’re feeling? Is there a judgement about who you are if you have a certain feeling? Bringing self-compassion and genuine curiosity instead of judgement is key to exploring these questions!
Virginia Harr, is a therapist practicing in Pennsylvania. Virginia specializes in anxiety disorders, including obsessive compulsive disorder, mood disorders, and depression. You can work with Virginia online via telehealth from anywhere in Pennsylvania or you can visit with her at our Center City, Philadelphia office.