Reasons it is Hard to Fight Fair...
...According to a Couples Therapist
By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
Couples in perpetual conflict tend to get caught into unhelpful responses and habits that keep them there. When this happens, people within a relationship get caught in a blame game in which they criticize or label the other person.
They might say:
"They are just a jerk!"
"They don't care about me!"
"They never want to talk because they don't care about our relationship!"
"They always want to fight!"
When we start to characterize the other person as being the problem in our repetitive conflicts, we are likely to cascade into further conflict that is harder and harder to get out of.
While it is always possible that the other person just LOVES to fight or is absolutely a JERK or just doesn't care about you, it's more likely that there are underlying reasons for your endless back and forths. And, if it is the case that they love to fight, are a jerk, and just don't care about you, I would encourage you to get the 1:1 support of therapist to figure out what you're going to do to get yourself into a situation that feels better for you.
But, let's just say they don't love to fight, they aren't a jerk, and they do care about you, what might be going on that is making it so hard for you and your partner to fight fair?
Reasons it is hard for couples to fight fair
1. When you have a fight with your partner your amygdala activates. This is the part of the brain that lights up when you’re threatened. When people feel threatened they go into fight, flight or freeze. When it’s working properly it’s saving you from a scary animal running towards you to attack. However, our brains aren’t always as discerning as we wish they were, so you’ll still go into fight or flight even if you’re just arguing about who’s responsible for disciplining the kids. This means that fighting unfairly is due to your biology and not due to a conscious thought process. When we know this we can be more accurate in determining what happened in the argument.
2. You’ve started identifying your partner as someone to win against instead of someone to win with.
This blocks out empathy and creates competition. This tends to happen when you've had upsetting and unprocessed events with each other. For instance, you might believe you've never had your influence considered, perhaps there was a betrayal, or maybe you haven't been getting enough time together. When these types of things happen in a relationship, we stop seeing our partner as our ally and see them more as an enemy.
3. If you perceive that your partner doesn’t care about you or your position on an issue, you will sense threat. And when you do this, you will likely tense up. When this happens, you might look closed off to your partner. This might express to them that you don't care about them, too....which in turn activates their threat response...and around and around we go.
4. Attachment wounds can be triggered. If you struggle with fears of abandonment or you are avoidant, then these wounds will be triggered and your childhood “go to” coping skill will be engaged.
5. Your heart is beating at 100 or more beats per minute (bpm). This is when people become “flooded” and struggle to communicate. I hook couples up to pulse oximeters to monitor their BPM because it’s nearly impossible to have an effective conversation when bpm is elevated.
Do you relate to any of these experiences while arguing with your partner? Couples therapy can help. During couples therapy, we teach you how to identify the things that are getting in the way of effective communication so that your differences don't escalate into major conflicts. Not only will you learn to identify what is happening, but our therapists also help you to learn new tools to take home with you and use in daily life.
If you are ready for couples therapy, we would love to schedule an appointment with you. We work with couples in New Jersey, California, and Pennsylvania and can often see you within a week.
Elizabeth is a Philadelphia therapist supporting couples and individuals struggling with unhealthy relationships, setting boundaries, infidelity and life stressors. Elizabeth is the Director of A Better Life Therapy where you can find counseling support for mental health and relationship issues in Pennsylvania.