Article by Kenna Mellinger, MFT

One partner wants to talk—now. The other feels overwhelmed, flooded, or unable to find words.

What often follows is a couple’s typical cycle: one partner pursues connection while the other retreats. This is known as the pursue-withdraw cycle, and it often ends with both partners feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and lonely.

This is one of the most common patterns I see in couples—and it can feel incredibly discouraging when it keeps repeating. The good news is that this dynamic is well understood, and with the right tools and support, couples can learn to break the cycle and reconnect in meaningful ways.

From a Gottman- and attachment-based perspective, this pattern often reflects emotional flooding.

The Partner Who Shuts Down May Experience:

A racing heart
Mental blankness
A sense of being criticized or failing
An urge to escape the conversation

Shutting down isn’t a choice—it’s a physiological response.

Meanwhile, the Partner Who Wants to Talk May Experience:

Anxiety or fear of disconnection
A sense of urgency (“If we don’t talk now, nothing will change”)
Feeling dismissed or abandoned

How Couples Can Break This Cycle

1. Name the Pattern

Instead of blaming, try:

“We are getting stuck in our cycle.”

This shifts the focus from who’s wrong to what is happening.

2. Slow the Conversation Down

Agree on a short break, a set time to return to the conversation, and ways to initiate repair once both partners are calm.

3. Validate Before Problem-Solving

Validation helps regulate the nervous system. For example:

“Your feelings are important to me, and that sounds hurtful.”
“Your feelings are valid, and I want to support you.”

You don’t have to agree to validate—just acknowledging feelings can reduce defensiveness.

4. Approach With Curiosity, Not Judgment

Ask open-ended questions:

“Can you help me understand what’s going on right now?”
“What felt most painful or upsetting for you?”

This approach invites connection rather than triggering defensiveness or further withdrawal.

5. Consider Professional Support

A therapist can help couples work through a range of concerns. You don’t need to be “on fire” to benefit from couples therapy—many couples come simply wanting to improve their connection and communication.

by Kenna Mellinger, MFT

Kenna Mellinger, MFT is a therapist in our New Hope and Easton, PA Offices. Kenna offers services in person and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals, couples, and families as they navigate their relationships, family dynamics, infidelity, trauma, and life transitions. To schedule an appointment click here.

A BETTER LIFE THERAPY

A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.