Myth #3: Never Go to Bed Angry

By Elizabeth Earnshaw

I totally get where this advice comes from. Anyone who gives it means well. However, science shows it is misguided. If you or your partner is in a late night argument and one of you wants to sleep then the best thing to do is respect this. Why is this important? When someone is flooded (the word we use to describe feeling physically overwhelmed during an argument) then they truly cannot access their thoughts in anyway that will be helpful. When someone shuts down during an argument it means that they are in “fight, flight, or freeze”. Being tired doesn’t help! Allowing your flooded and tired partner to sleep will result in a more productive conversation later on. So, what is your partner’s responsibility to you if they just need to “sleep on it”?. Recognizing that ending a conversation and going to bed might cause your partner anxiety, it’s always kind to try to say “I need to sleep now but I love you and we’ll work it out tomorrow” or something reassuring like that. Certainly hard to do in the heat of the moment, but then again it’s always harder to do the right thing during a difficult conversation.  

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a marriage therapist practicing in Center City, Philadelphia. Elizabeth works with couples of varying ages and levels of commitment to help them understand their relationship better.