Finding the Afikomen and Easter Eggs
Creating Springtime Rituals in an Interfaith Family
Article By: Catherine Herling
It’s March, and that means Easter and Passover are right around the corner! While “Chrismukkah” is a frequent talking point in interfaith families, Springtime is another occasion where holidays overlap. As a woman raised in a Southern Baptist home and married to a Jewish man, this time of year has led me to having some heart-to-heart discussions with him about this holiday season and splitting time and traditions between my family of origin and my husband’s. Religious traditions frequently feel like places where no compromise can occur, but, much like with many differences in relationships, there is likely more middle ground than you realize. In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we frequently discuss creating shared meaning via rituals of connection, which can be a difficult thing to do at any stage of a relationship. For many people, holidays are rituals of connection because they provide us the opportunity to take a break from life and spend time with loved ones while doing activities that bring us closer together.
Here are some talking points between you and your partner that can be used to begin a dialogue about interfaith celebrations:
What is the core component of this holiday that you want to celebrate? There can be some assumptions about what each partner cares about the most but, until you talk about it, you’ll never actually know. By exploring what the “thesis” of Passover and Easter are for each of you, you can gain a better understanding of what these holidays mean to you and your partner.
What parts of your family tradition do you want to maintain? What are you willing to set aside? As we mature, we are able to distance ourselves from childhood traditions and see what traditions we cherish and which ones we aren’t so fond of. Maybe having an Easter Ham was a major part of your tradition but what you enjoyed more was getting dressed up and having a formal lunch. By reflecting on what makes the holiday special to you, you can find areas of compromise and not feel like you have to defend every part of your family of origin’s tradition.
Where are there similarities in your holiday traditions? Frequently, we focus on how different Christianity and Judaism are to the point that compromise feels unattainable. By starting the dialogue with the core components of each celebration, it’s easier to focus on the themes of connectedness and joy instead of the details.
When these holidays are close to each other, what is our plan? Inevitably, Seder Dinner will fall on the same day as Easter. If you live near both sets of families of origin, it can be fairly easy to celebrate both. If you have to travel to one or both families, it can be impossible to celebrate both with everyone. If you fall into the latter category, it’s important to have a conversation with your partner regarding splitting holidays. For some couples, you can visit family for the High Holidays and Easter and not visit family for Passover if it’s too close to Easter. For other couples, celebrating the holidays without extended family makes the best sense. The most important part is that you and your partner are comfortable with the arrangement!
If you have kids, what do you want to teach them about being in an interfaith family? When your family is not homogenous, it’s a challenge to figure out how to make the complexities of your identity more understandable for younger kids. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard “why do we do this?” and weren’t sure how to answer it. Children rely upon the caregivers in their life for guidance when it comes to exploring their identity, and consistency between caregivers allows children to experience consistency during this period of time.
Creating shared meaning in an interfaith family is a challenge that many people feel is impossible, but by making space to have these discussions in a collaborative manner, you and your partner can work towards feeling more connected than before. If you feel like you need assistance creating that space, working with a couples counselor can give you the guidance and tools to do so, both in and outside of sessions.
Bala Cynwyd and Pennsylvania Therapist
Catherine Herling, is a master's level marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She serves clients online through our simple to use HIPAA compliant platform and in person at our comfortable Main Line, PA office. Catherine offers individual and couples therapy. She loves to support adolescents and their families, especially when a family member has been diagnosed with a long-term condition, such as cancer, Autism Spectrum Disorder, or PTSD . To schedule an appointment click here.