The Couples’ Dance

Article By: Kristelle Mallah, LMFT

Do you find yourself and your partner stuck in the same patterns? Do you feel frustrated that every single argument leads to a similar outcome? If the answer is yes, then you are stuck in an infinity loop. This concept is used in Emotionally Focused Therapy to help couples understand the dance that couples create together when both feel hurt, rejected and or threatened.

It is important to take some time to try to map that cycle and identify what is happening underneath the surface versus above the surface.

Below is a visual representation of the loop along with an example that will help you as a couple determine some of those patterns which will create more understanding of the internal dynamics that is fueling your conflicts.

Every partner has needs to feel loved, cared for, accepted and acknowledged. Once those needs are unmet, they trigger a primary emotion that includes feeling hurt, rejected, abandoned, unloved, unimportant, unworthy. Those primary emotions are vulnerable emotions that are hard to express and hard to get in touch with. We struggle to express them which leads to a secondary emotion surfacing that includes rage, anger, anxiety, frustration. Those secondary emotions are manifested in behaviors including hostility, attacking, criticizing, distancing, and stonewalling.

Partner A’s need for acknowledgment was not met by Partner B which triggered her primary emotion of feeling unloved. Her vulnerable feelings are too difficult to get in touch with as a result, a secondary emotion of anger surfaced and was manifested in criticizing Partner B. The criticism triggered Partner’s B primary feeling of being inadequate which in return activated his secondary feeling of frustration and was manifested in him shutting down and disconnecting. 

What is obvious is the act of criticizing and shutting down which continues fueling this loop. How you deal with your difficult vulnerable emotions is both a reaction to a threat of an unmet need as well as a trigger to your partner.

In this case, the more Partner A criticizes, the more Partner B feels the threat and feels the need to shut down to keep the peace. The more Partner B disconnects, the more Partner A feels unloved and protests the loss of the connection by criticizing even more.

It is crucial to start observing this dance and identifying how both partners are contributing to it. A major step will be naming it and working together to interrupt it. Once you’re able to see what’s underneath those behaviors and secondary feelings, you will create more empathy and understanding which will positively affect the way you both communicate.

Leigh Valley and Pennsylvania Therapist

Kristelle Mallah  is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering therapy to residents or Pennsylvania and Lehigh Valley. She supports adults who struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety, relational issues, and insecure attachments. She also enjoys working with families as well to help them create a more fulfilling family unit. If you believe you are having trouble with any of these subjects, Kristelle, would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).