Complicated Grief and Familial Separation

By: Catherine Herling

Divorce can lead to a flurry of emotions: anger, fear, sadness, and even relief. As a parent with children, there’s an increase in pressure to “do divorce right” and protect them from the pain of losing their life as they know it. While this sentiment is selfless and heartfelt, it sets unfair expectations for yourself, your ex-spouse, and your children.

As much as we wish that there was a specific formula to successfully separate with children, we can only try our best to promote stability and love for your children. Whether you decided to separate or your spouse decided to separate, your feelings are normal, your ex-spouse’s feelings are normal, and your children’s feelings are normal.

It is perfectly normal for this period to feel like you’ve lost a loved one, because you have. Your life will never be the same, and it probably feels like things could have been done differently to keep your family together. It’s also perfectly normal to still feel love for your ex-spouse, it does not mean that separating is the wrong decision, it means that you’re still processing this major life change.

Balancing your needs and your children’s needs are incredibly important in the beginning and can look different for each person. Some people need to spend time with friends and family, while others need space to process, grieve, and take the next steps forward.

Join a support group if you’re feeling like you need others who understand the struggles of going through a divorce. This is also a period where individual therapy can give you a safe space to process this transition without the fear of judgement. While it is important for you to love and support your children through the separation process, you need to find ways to recharge your emotional energy regularly to be that support for them. You are not alone in this and there are people who are willing and able to help you through this.

Philadelphia/Bala Cynwyd therapist

Catherine Herling is a master's level marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She serves clients online through our simple to use HIPAA compliant platform and in person at our comfortable Main Line, PA office. Catherine offers individual and couples therapy. She loves to support adolescents and their families, especially when a family member has been diagnosed with a long-term condition, such as cancer, Autism Spectrum Disorder, or PTSD. To schedule an appointment click here.