What To Expect: Couples Therapy
Article By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT
Attending couples therapy can be a nerve wracking experience. Likely, you are struggling with your partner and already feeling worried or afraid about the state of your relationship. Taking the big step towards vulnerably sharing this experience with a therapist can bring up a lot of feelings.
You don't need to add to those feelings that by feeling uncertain about what exactly the process will look like.
Before coming in, I would love to offer you some insight into what it might look like to meet with a couples therapist - that way you can leave those uncertainties behind and focus on the really important stuff that is happening for you and your partner.
Before your session
There is not much that you need to do before your session. Likely, your therapist will ask you to complete some paperwork (mostly administrative) to make sure that doesn't take up appointment time when you arrive.
Some therapists will also ask you to complete an assessment prior to the first appointment while others might ask you to complete an assessment later in the process or not at all.
Other than completing paperwork, try to make sure you are well rested and on time for your appointment. Since you are already in conflict, being tired and late might activate your nervous system and make you feel more nervous, angry, or frustrated during your first appointment (if this is the case, don't worry! We can handle it!).
The first session
The first session is an information gathering session. At our office, most therapists schedule the first session for at least 90 minutes because we want to get a comprehensive understanding of your relationship.
We will ask you about what is currently going on in the relationship, the history of the current problem, some of your major ups and downs, and what you hope to see change in the relationship.
We might also ask you to talk about a current disagreement so we can assess your communication styles.
At the end of the first session, we will give you a brief summary of what we believe needs to happen next and we will ask you to schedule an appointment for 1:1 with each partner.
The second and third session
In most cases, the therapist will ask you and your partner to come meet with them individually. Each person will get 1 hour to talk to the therapist in private so that the therapist can build a personal connection, learn more about their personal experience within the relationship, and assess for mental health concerns, domestic abuse, or suicidality.
The therapist also uses this time to learn about your family history and to explore with you how you believe that is currently impacting your relationship.
It's usually during this time, you will also be asked to take an assessment. Most of the therapists in our office use The Gottman Relationship Assessment. This is an in depth and research based assessment that will provide your therapist with a comprehensive understanding of your relationship.
The fourth session
In this session, you will regroup with the therapist. This is the session where the therapist will talk the most (the rest of the time we will be teaching you and your partner to have conversations with each other).
The therapist will share with you the results of their assessment. Since many of our therapists are trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, you might receive a picture of The Sound Relationship House.
The Sound Relationship House is a way for us to explore together where your relationship is thriving and where you are struggling. We will let you know how we believe we can improve each of these areas through couples therapy.
At the end of this session, your therapist will likely offer you something to consider or some homework to do prior to the following session.
Now for the fun stuff...
Sessions 5 and beyond
After receiving a comprehensive assessment, your therapist will begin to guide you through having important conversations and learning essential skills to develop a safe and fulfilling relationship.
Because you completed a thorough assessment, your therapist will not have to waste time "trying things on for size" to see if it fits. Rather, they will have a plan of which areas of the relationship need to be paid attention to.
As you have conversations, your therapist will direct you and help you to have the conversations in a more productive way. This is incredibly powerful, as most couples come into couples therapy having really important and worthy things to say yet they are often unheard because of the way they say or or because of the way the listener receives it.
We don't just want to tell you how to do it differently, we will show you how to do it differently. And we will sit with you as you work through any discomforts of trying to connect with each other in a new way.
You will also find that while discussing important topics, your therapist will also help you and your partner go to a deeper level with each other, by bringing up the meaning of the conflict and exploring how life experiences and relationship history has made some of your more difficult issues to solve particularly painful.
You will learn in your sessions things like:
How to discuss perpetual (repeating) problems
How to listen better and speak so you'll be heard
How to identify communication habits that are harming your relationship
How to get to a deeper level of intimacy with each other
How to understand each other better
How to become friends again, build life dreams, and meet goals as a couple
If you think you are ready for a change in your relationship, couples therapy is a wonderful place to start. We are here for you and cannot wait to support you in your journey.
Philadelphia Therapist
Elizabeth is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist practicing in Pennsylvania. Elizabeth is passionate about helping people learn how to connect with each other in ways that honor each individual in the relationship while still tending to the relationship itself.
To schedule online with one of our couples therapists click here.