7 Relationship Takeaways from The Art and Science of Love
7 Relationship Takeaways from The Art of Science and Love
By Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
I recently traveled to Seattle to help support couples at The Art and Science of Love at The Gottman Institute.
The Art and Science of Love is a weekend long workshop that helps couples understand how to integrate the science of healthy relationships with everyday life. At this particular workshop, there were 250 couples that attended - all with the same goal - to have healthier and happier relationships.
Even though I live and breathe relationship stuff, whenever I am in a workshop setting, I always leave feeling reinvigorated, reconnected, and reminded of what really matters in our relationships. It was inspiring to experience so many couples working together to create something that works better for them both. I want to share here what I believe were the biggest takeaways for the couple’s we supported and give you a few tips on how to use these concepts in your own life, too.
I want to share my biggest takeaways from this weekend's workshop.
Perhaps they will serve you and your relationship in some small (or big!) way, too.
Takeaway #1:
Your friendship is super important.
How are you nourishing it?
Do you take time to do fun things together? Do you allow play? Do you share your inner world? Do you get curious?
Having a friendship is the thing that makes the other stuff much easier. If your friendship isn't strong then it gets harder to solve conflict and easier to show disrespect.
You can start rebuilding your friendship by making the teeniest tiniest commitment to one thing. For instance, committing to give your partner a kiss each day before they leave work or committing to ask them about their day each and every day and really listen to the answer.
Takeaway #2
Saying what you like matters yet we often speak about what we don't like more.
Couples that frequently express appreciation to each other have a better "relationship immune system". But, expressing what you like is more than a brief statement. It's really letting your partner know that you SAW what they did and it had an impact.
Take time to tell your partner what you appreciate AND tell them the story about when they did the thing you like and how it made you feel.
Takeaway #3
The way we manage the stress we experience outside of the relationship impacts the way we engage inside the relationship.
It's harder to be a good partner when you're stressed out. You're only human. If life feels overwhelming then you're going to have less in the tank to give the person you love.
Healthy couples help each other reduce stress from the outside world by being responsive to their partner's stress, rather than dismissive of it.
Takeaway #4
It is impossible to have a relationship without conflict. But it is possible to create conflict that helps you grow and connect.
A relationship is made up of human beings with different backgrounds, experiences, and beliefs. There is no way to have a conflict free relationship. Things will be triggered. Differences will create challenging dilemmas. That is normal.
Healthy couples learn to embrace conflict as a part of life AND they recognize that there is a healthy way and unhealthy way to manage it. They stay away from behaviors that put their partner down, dismiss them, or disrespect them.
Rather, they offer safety and comfort in the midst of conflict by being curious, asking for what they need, and offering repair frequently.
Takeaway #5
Most of your problems will be repetitive. This means, they won't have a clear cut solution and you will continually have to work together to find ways to creatively respond to them.
John Gottman found that the majority of relationship problems are perpetual - this means they will have the same issue over and over and over again. Some couples manage this repetition well and other's find themselves stuck.
When couple's get stuck, it is because they feel that their perception has been rejected, dismissed, or unaccepted by their partner and this is what leads to the perpetual difference being unbearable.
It's important to recognize that you both might have a valid position and then work together to find solutions that work for you both!
Takeaway #6
Many of your arguments are based on opposing dreams.
If you find yourself spinning your wheels, it might be because you’re arguing about opposing dreams. When you really think about the issue that keeps coming up again and again for you, is it related to a deep desire or dream?
Dreams from childhood can be particularly tricky when they differ. Sometimes, we dream for things to be the same as they were in childhood - it offered us safety, peace, or enjoyment. Sometimes we dream for them to be different than they were in childhood - it felt scary, chaotic, or unpleasant.
There are many ways that our dreams can oppose each other. Here is one example:
When you grew up your home was very clean and it felt structured and safe. You decided at a young age that this is a good way to be so then you grew up dreaming of a structured, organized, and clean home.
The problem? While your partner also grew up in a clean home, they experienced it as being restrictive. They promised themselves they’d have a more relaxed adult existence.
So, you both fight over and over again about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to tidyness. Yet, no one is wrong. You both would do just find on your own. The key here is finding a compromise you can BOTH live with.
Takeaway #7
The way to a meaningful relationship is honoring each other's hopes and dreams.
Each person in the relationship needs to be honored. Their perceptions need to be seen as valid. If this cannot happen then relationships become tumultuous and unsatisfying for one or both partners. Finding creative ways to honor each person's goals and dreams is paramount. And accepting the other person's influence over decision making, etc is #goals.
How do I do it?
You might ask yourself:
What is one small thing I can do to be a better friend this week?
What is one small way I could show my partner more respect?
What is one small way I could begin to accept their influence?
What is one small way I can show them I appreciate them?
What is one small way I can show them their dreams matter?
What is one small way I could try to show them I am curious about their views, beliefs, and positions?
Just pick ONE of these things and do ONE small thing. It can make a BIG difference.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT , CGT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Gottman Therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Elizabeth trains therapists to work with couples in a way that helps them realistically change their relationships, writes about relationships for on her blog, her popular instagram account @lizlistens and for Mind Body Green, and supports couples around the world in developing more fulfilling relationships with each other. She is the Clinical Director of A Better Life Therapy.
The Art and Science of Love: A Couples Workshop
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