We Are Different and That's Okay

We Are Different and That's Okay

According to research by Dr. John Gottman 2/3 of issues in a relationship are unsolvable.

Yes. You read that correctly. A very, very large number of issues that you face with your partner have no clear cut solution.

And, this is okay. In fact, it is really normal.

As individuals, we live very different paths until they cross. We have our own families, experiences, and personality traits. And, when we come together we are tasked with uniting these different histories. 

How do we know there is a challenging difference to solve? It's when we think in terms of "shoulds".

The Shoulds:

We SHOULD spend our money this way.

We SHOULDN'T spend our money that way.

We SHOULD spend our time this way.

We SHOULDN'T spend our time that way.

Get the idea?

It's unlikely that our partner has the same SHOULD's that we have. In fact they have their own lists of should's and shouldn't's that can get us into some pretty gridlocked conflict.

Assigning Meaning

When couples assign differences to mean “you don’t love me enough to change for me” then they get gridlocked in never-ending conflict cycles.  But, when couples are able to say “we are different because of how we grew up, what is important to us, and how these things make us feel” then they can come together as two people who support each other in this world. 

The problem is that most people never let each other see below the surface.

This is Where Vulnerability Comes in

When we get stuck on particularly challenging to solve issues, it's important to move out of problem solving mode and into curiosity mode. This is where we take time to step back and explore our partner's experience that has colored their position on the issue. Taking time to figure out why they believe what they believe - what has life taught them that has created their position?

Only then, can we begin to move from gridlocked misunderstandings to connection.

Article by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT

Elizabeth is a licensed therapist in Philadelphia, PA supporting individuals and couples as they build healthier and happier relationships.