You do not need to abandon yourself to be a "good person"

By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT

For many, it is a core part of their identity to be considered a "good" or "nice" person. Many life choices are driven by what it means to be a good person or to be nice. Oftentimes, the only consideration for being good or nice is how it will be perceived by the other rather than how it will be experienced for the self.

Of course, it is good to be kind. It is good to have integrity. To be loving, helpful, honest....whatever it is you would describe good to be. And, sometimes, goodness is not about these things at all - rather it is about people pleasing. Meaning, it isn't about a true connection to value and rightness but rather a connection to an identity - an identity that you are the nicest one, the easiest-going one, the one that cares the most. Essentially, an identify built on, at times, abandoning the self.

When it becomes particularly problematic, your goodness becomes the vehicle for enabling the problematic behavior of others. If being the nice one, the helpful one, the easy going one is weaved together with letting someone be harmful then that certainly isn't good. You are an important part of the equation here so being a good person for them must first come from being a good person to you.

You might convince yourself that letting people off the hook or not inserting your needs is a way to show up within that "good" identity. Perhaps somewhere compassion and enabling have become the same thing.

But, here is the thing - you can be a wonderfully kind and compassionate person. You can show up in this world with all of the pieces of that identity of goodness AND you can still have limits, boundaries, and ask for accountability.

In fact, the more you work from a space of transparency the kinder you become. Because then those in your life start to know where you really stand and how you really feel and offering them that realness is the very kindest, most honest, and the most good you can do.

Elizabeth is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Practice Director of A Better Life Therapy. Elizabeth specializes in relationship issues.