How to Reduce Someone's Stress
By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT
This past weekend I was blowing up balloons for my son's birthday party when I overfilled a balloon with far too much air. It had so much air in it that I could not even tie the end. And, even if I could, it would likely have popped the moment any sort of pressure was added to it.
This balloon was a metaphor for someone experiencing a lot of stress. When people are in the midst of their stress they are like a balloon filled to the brim. I am sure you have experienced this before yourself. I am not talking about after you have had time to marinate with the stress, but right in the midst of it. It's those moments where you feel as if you will explode if any sort of pressure is added to you.
When I noticed the balloon was too full, I let go of my grip. I didn't blow any more air into it and I didn't tie it off either. I relieved the pressure.
This is what we need to do when a loved one is in the midst of their stress. Loosen the grip, help them let the air out. Yet, we often do the opposite. We give advice, we tell them " I told you so", we talk about our own problems, we ask them to do more than they have the capacity to do at that moment.
Here are some of the ways that we add pressure to their overfilled balloon:
Siding with the enemy - Your partner comes home telling you how frustrating their boss was during the work day and you say "Well, I kind of get what they are saying".
Restriction of feelings - When your partner is really upset about something you say "don't get so angry!" or "this is nothing to cry about!"
Judgment - When we say things like "I would never have done that!" or "Oh my gosh! What was wrong with you?"
Offering unsolicited advice - When someone is stressed and you start telling them how to solve it.
Dismissiveness - When your friend tells you something is worrying them and you say "I think you are over dramatizing it!"
Escalating - When you escalate with or more than the other person. For instance, you get angrier then they are.
Playing devil's advocate - When you say "Well, just to play devil's advocate what if..."
So what can we do instead? In moments of stress we want to do things that help the other person release the air in their balloon. Here are some suggestions:
Be an ally - When your partner comes home from work about a frustrating experience let them know you are on their side and you support them.
Validate feelings - Say "it makes sense you feel sad." or "I get why you are angry about this!"
Seek understanding - Instead of judging, be curious. Ask questions.
Be a good listener - listening helps draw out the air, advice stuffs it back in. Hold the advice unless requested.
Work on your own self soothing - when the other person is upset the best thing to do is co regulation. Work on keeping yourself calm, take deep breaths, stay grounded. Let them hold onto their own stress. It isn't yours to carry.
Accept the perspective - Accepting doesn't mean agreeing it just means letting go of the reigns a bit. Let the other person have a perspective. In the midst of stress your devil's advocate argument won't get anywhere.
When you learn to help someone reduce their stress you will find that your relationships flourish and that their stress will actually fell LESS frustrating to you because you will be taking the pressure off of yourself, too.
If I had kept trying to tie off that balloon, I would have wasted a lot of time and ended up with a popped balloon anyway. Let people let their air out and then you can offer alternate perspective, suggestions, and thoughts when the time is right.
Elizabeth is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Practice Director of A Better Life Therapy. Elizabeth specializes in relationship issues.