Which Relationship Phase Are You In?
By Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT
Our relationships move through phases - most of which are predictable. These phases each present us with a challenge and if we choose to accept it a path towards growth together.
Most relationships tend to move through the following four phases:
The Honeymoon Phase
The Realization Phase
The Tension Phase
The Acceptance Phase
The honeymoon phase is marked by strong connections and a desire to idolize and fantasize about the relationship. This phase is important because it allows us to build a cache of memories of "good times" for later times when life might get stressful.
The realization phase is marked by a recognition that the other person is a real human being - flaws and all! While you might have excused them for dropping socks all over the house in the past, you might start to be bothered by it now. In this phase you begin to analyze whether the relationship is right for you. The work of this phase is to decide whether or not you like the person as they are rather than as you had fantasized they would be.
The tension phase occurs when you've started to notice your partner is a separate entity from both your fantasy and yourself and you've begun to face some stressors. In this phase, you might magnify issues and try to control the behavior of the other person. The work of this stage is to learn if you can manage conflict and stress together.
The acceptance phase occurs when your relationship has truly matured. In this phase, you see your partner for who they really are, you recognize there are differences, and you manage conflicts without worrying that it means it's all over. The quote I live by for this phase is "I am me and you are you and we are both good enough".
By paying attention to which phase you are in, you can begin to look at the work that needs to be done together and move forward as a unit.
Want to learn more?
If you’re in a relationship, you can learn more about relationship phases in my book I Want This To Work.
If you’re a therapist, you can learn about relationship phases and teach your clients about them using my Couples Therapy Flip Chart.
About the author
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT is a couples therapist practicing in her offices in Center City, Philadelphia and Ardmore, Pennsylvania. She is the Director of A Better Life Therapy, the author of two books - I Want This To Work and ‘Til Stress Do Us Part - and teaches therapists how to conduct couples therapy as an approved supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
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