’Tis the Season (of Family Stress during the Holidays)

BY: ERIN SHARKEY, M.S.ED

This time of year is often filled with images of happy families who are joyfully spending time together - buying presents, sharing meals, and getting along harmoniously.

However, most families experience some level of tension at one time or another, and some experience more intense conflicts or even altogether estrangement. Whether you are spending the holiday season managing conflicts or dealing with the grief, loneliness, or mix of any other emotions from spending the holiday season without your family, this stretch of time can be emotionally challenging to navigate.

What are some things we can do to help navigate the challenges throughout this time of year?

Identify Triggers

Think about situations with your family, or the holidays in general, when you notice reactions in yourself - such as your heart racing, your muscles becoming tense, or your thoughts rapidly shifting. These situations are likely triggers for you, and understanding what situations upset you and why can help you avoid being caught off guard, and plan for how to cope.

And, Pay Attention to your Own Needs

Put aside some time to come up with a plan of coping skills, before you need them, so you have activities available when you are feeling triggered or overwhelmed. Activities such as meditating or grounding exercises, physical movement, engaging with something creative, watching a funny show, focusing on a task, journaling, or anything else that makes you feel good and helps you regulate can be helpful in minimizing stress. You can also plan to go outside for some fresh air or a few moments of movement, or excuse yourself to the bathroom to de-escalate. Finally, it can also be helpful to identify a friend or family member you feel safe with in advance, to reach out to for support or check-ins throughout a stressful event.

Communicate Calmly

If family situations are likely to result in conflicts, leaning on using “I” statements to state your own emotions and experiences, sharing your own perspectives with the goal of communicating rather than changing a family member’s mind, and listening with the goal of understanding experiences of others (even if you don’t agree) may be helpful in setting your own boundaries and in keeping yourself regulated. Even so, you may realize that certain conflicts will not change anything, and deciding that a fight is not worth your energy to engage with is also an option - redirecting the conversation or excusing yourself are also valid responses to avoid a needlessly escalating situation.

But, Set Expectations

Though it can be frustrating and stressful, we generally cannot control family members or how they may act, even if we may wish they were different. We can, however, set your expectations for what is likely to happen and plan for your own reaction - for example, through setting boundaries, practicing coping skills or self-care, or taking a break. Setting expectations can also help to accept parts of our family members that we are unlikely to be able to change, and make clearer the reactions and situations that we can control for ourselves.

And, Accept Your Feelings

The holidays present lots of opportunities for intense emotions. It is also important to acknowledge and allow yourself to be present with your feelings, whatever may be coming up for you. Ignoring our own feelings, or judging ourselves for having them, tends to make us feel worse.

Schedule Positive Activities

Schedule activities that connect you with people you care about, enjoy but do not regularly have time for, relax you or make you feel good, or are meaningful to you or in alignment with your own values. Planning for positive activities, in addition to or instead of more emotionally challenging ones, can help reframe a holiday as a day with parts to look forward to rather than dread.

And, Avoid Overscheduling Difficult Ones

Holidays can be a difficult time for those of us inclined towards people-pleasing, but determining boundaries for activities we can and cannot do can help support your own well-being. Further, it can help you to ensure that you have time for the things you actually enjoy.

Connect with a Therapist

The holiday season can be overwhelming, but above all, it is temporary. In the meantime, working with a therapist to help understand your triggers, plan for self-care, learn how to set appropriate boundaries, and identify communication skills can help make the season more tolerable - and maybe even more enjoyable.

ERIN SHARKEY, M.S.ED

Erin is a therapist in Ardmore, Pennsylvania and offers services in person and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She offers therapy for adult individuals, adolescent individuals, and couples who are working through anxiety, depression, body image and self-esteem issues, life transitions, and career challenges. To schedule an appointment click here.

A BETTER LIFE THERAPY

A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.

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