Tips for Reducing Stress in your Relationship from a Couples Therapist
New Parent Edition
By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT
A benefit of a long term relationship is having another person that can support you in facing the stressors of living life - loss, pain, transitions, stress, and frustrations.
Sometimes, our relationships function really well in this way. We listen to each other, we empathize, we provide a space that allows us to decompress and solve our problems. At other times, our relationships become a space that actually creates more stress.
New Parents and Stress
Couples face significant stressors during life transitions. This is true of any of our major transitions whether welcomed and happy or shocking, unwanted, and sad.
One such transition is the new parenthood. When couples enter new parenthood, they are often surprised to find how much their relationship changes. Couples will express that in many ways their relationship grows stronger - they feel a new bond, they admire their partner's parenting, and they feel connected through a common struggle.
However, couples also face the natural stressors of being a new parent - exhaustion, changed lifestyle, uncertainty, differing parenting styles, constraints, financial concerns, etc.
The way that partner's face these stressors together impacts the health of each individual and the relationship.
Tips for Facing Stress as New Parents:
1. Spend time discussing your roles & expectations- have a clear conversation with each other about roles and expectations. This will help to reduce miscommunication and resentment.
2. Ask your partner how they are every single day - Genuinely show curiosity and concern regarding your partner's well being. Take time to check in on how they are doing in their new role.
3. If you sense your partner is stressed or overwhelmed asked your partner questions from The Gottman Stress Reducing Conversation. Questions like: "What's the most upsetting part of this for you?", "How are you feeling about this?"and "What is the worst that could happen if it isn't resolved?
4, Be fair in the distribution of tasks - Research has shown that fair distribution matters more than equal distribution. Take time to consider whether you are both feeling like life is currently fair. For example, one person cannot be responsible for ALL feedings - being up all day and all night is a recipe for sleep deprivation.
5. Find ways to allow each person to have recreational time away - this might mean taking walks, spending time with friends, doing an exercise class, or playing a game.
6. Figure out your priorities - Learn to say "no" to people and events that take time away from taking care of yourself, your relationship, or your family.
7. Stay away from silver linings - If your partner is having a hard time, it is unhelpful to respond with something like "well at least we have a healthy baby!" or "look on the bright side! We get to have a date next week!". While these things might be true and your partner is likely grateful for them, stating those in a moment of sadness or stress minimizes their experience.
Couples who manage stress well together are able to grow their relationship and solidify it over time. If you need help managing stress with your partner, know that you are not alone. Our couples therapists can help.
Elizabeth is a Philadelphia therapist supporting couples and individuals struggling with unhealthy relationships, setting boundaries, infidelity and life stressors. Elizabeth is the Director of A Better Life Therapy where you can find counseling support for mental health and relationship issues in Pennsylvania.