The Impacts of Debt on Millennial Couples
By: Emma Carpenter, MA, NCC
The average millennial has experienced slower economic growth since entering the workforce than any other generation in U.S. history. As of November 2021, Forbes reported a total Student Debt of $1.57 trillion, and that 42.9 million people owed that debt. The average student loan debt is estimated to be about $37,062, though many students that go back for a second/higher degree owe considerably more.
When one or both partners struggle with debt, it puts a strain on the relationship. Money is the second leading cause of divorce behind infidelity, so you need to talk about money with your partner, even if you aren’t married.
When you’re unmarried, it can feel a bit awkward to talk about money and debt. Society tells us it’s impolite to ask those types of questions. It’s probably going to feel uncomfortable to talk about, but keeping it a secret isn’t going to make it go away. When one or both partners in a relationship experience financial hardship, it impacts the relationship even if you’re not sharing finances.
It dictates the type of lifestyle the couple can live. It limits the amount of money that can be spent going out together. It limits the amount of money that can be spent on living expenses, i.e. needing a cheaper/crappier apartment, ditching amenities like Netflix, gym memberships, etc. It changes the priorities to focus on making ends meet rather than experiences that bring the couple together
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs tell us that when basic safety needs are in danger, we can’t satisfy higher level needs like connection and personal growth. Safety needs include things like health, stability, employment, resources, etc. aka money. Being in a relationship requires connection and engagement which can be hard to focus on when you’re barely scraping by. This is why it’s important to be open with your partner about your money situation. Let them know about your stress and fears and worries. Let them know about your financial goals that are keeping you from being able to spend money in other areas
How to talk about money with your partner
“How do I even bring that up? You’re not supposed to talk about money, it’s going to be so awkward”
Yeah, it might be awkward at first and that’s okay. You’re going against what society says is “proper” in order to make your relationship better
Try something like this:
”I’ve been so stressed about money lately. My student loans are taking X-amount of my income every month and it’s killing my budget”
“I was this post today and I realized it’s something we don’t really talk about.”
“Can we set aside time to talk about our budget? I just want to make sure we’re up to date on where we’re at with income vs expenses and savings”
“Is it okay with you if we cut back on some of our going out expenses? Money’s tight for me right now and I’m trying to save money to pay for xyz”
“I don’t know how I’m ever going to have enough money to xyz when my paycheck/salary is only $abc and it’s so stressful”
If you’re not sure how to talk to your partner about money, start with these two simple questions:
What does money mean to you?
What was it like to have or not have money growing up?
These two questions can feel a little easier to answer because they are more abstract. Money can mean freedom, power, comfort, etc. and talking about money growing up can mean talking about vacations, the house you lived in, if you went to public or private schools, etc.
The Gottman Institute has a couple of card decks that I always recommend to my couples. Each card has questions on it about different areas in life that are important to discuss if you’re considering moving in, marriage, or having children. I also use them on my couples that aren’t at those stages yet because they can be helpful at any point in a relationship. Below are the questions I highlight for my couples that I’ve found to be the most impactful.
How do you feel about any existing debt? About taking on more debt as a couple?
What does having money mean to you? How much is “enough”?
What are your outside financial obligations? (Supporting family, running a business)
If you came into a large sum of money, how would you spend it?
What kind of lifestyle do you envision having?
If one career takes off and the other doesn’t, how will this affect the relationship? What if one partner doesn’t make money?
What financial goals do we agree on?
What habits do you have regarding spending and saving?
How do you feel about hand-me-downs vs new items?
Some other questions to ask
How was money handled in your family growing up?
Has there ever been a time where you’ve struggled financially? A time when you haven’t?
What things would you want to give up first if we had to cut back on spending?
What are your feelings about downsizing or cutting back in order to save money?
What things can you not live without that cost money, other than essentials (i.e. food, shelter)?
How do you feel about using government assistance programs? Would you consider using them?
What is our current budget and do we agree on it?
Whether you’re dating, in a long term relationship, moving in, getting married, or having kids, money is a necessary topic to cover with your partner. Studies show that couples who talk about money in healthy ways are more likely to rate their relationship satisfaction as higher than those you don’t. Debt is a huge issue for millennials and is becoming one for zoomers as well. So, if you haven’t talked to your partner about it yet, find time to bring the topic to the table and set yourselves up for financial success!
About the author:
Emma Carpenter is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering online therapy to residents of Pennsylvania. She supports individuals and couples facing stressors around prolonged higher education, financial difficulties due to debt or starting new careers, delayed “life moves”, infidelity, and insecurity involving social media. If you believe you struggle with “life moves”, Emma would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).
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