The Impact of Stress on Your Relationships (and what you can do about it)
Article By: Elizabeth Earnshaw
Right now, relationships are feeling pressures that they've likely never felt before.
There are the normal pressures of everyday life - keeping the house clean, negotiating schedules, tending to the children, talking about difficult topics.
Then, there is the added bonus of worldwide economic decline and health risks that might be directly or indirectly impacting your lives.
Many couples that I am working with are faced with navigating the things that stressed them out before with a heaping pile of stress like job losses, financial losses, fear of illness, illness, and job pressures. And, on top of that internal stressors - like worried that life will never be the same or grieving the loss of beloved activity or much anticipated event.
The Power of Stress Management
In research done by Neil Jacobson, he found that couples that are able to maintain gains over time are more likely to manage their external stress well, together.
This means, that the couples that can gracefully navigate the stressors of the outside world - the difficult boss, the broken down car, the frustrating bank - are more likely to do well in the long term.
This is the power of stress management. And, also a testament to the power of stress - because stress managed poorly can cause a great decline in relationship satisfaction.
The global pandemic and relationship big bangs
I worry that we are in the midst of a lot of relationship big bangs. This extreme moment of stress in which both people are buckling under the tension and pressure it making it difficult for couples to be responsive to each other. When we have these moments in relationship - these moments where we believe the other person was no there for us - it can lead to a slow extinction of the relationship. Feelings of resentment take up too much space and push away the feelings of love.
Personal stress, fear, and day-to-day survival needs are coming before stress management in the relationship. And that makes sense. So much sense.
We are living in worlds where the internal and external stress are clashing. And BOTH people are feeling it. So, who can be there for the other? Who has the space? And if they can't go to each other ....who do they go to? Because, for many their friends, family, and support networks are also feeling a bit depleted.
What can we do?
While it makes sense we haven't had room for good stress management, it does not mean it is sustainable for the long term. For your relationship to thrive (and at least survive) it's important to learn how to create a secure base for each other in the face of scary times.
Here are a few tips:
Your partner's stress is real to them. Don't dismiss it. You will get much further by being responsive and believing them.
Work on your own personal self soothing. Do you take time to breathe? Are you taking a walk or getting fresh air? Do you recognize when your heart is beating quickly and take time to calm yourself?
Learn to withhold problem solving - yes, the problem needs to be solved. No, your idea cannot be shared right away. In the face of stress, we want to withhold problem solving until after we are certain we fully understand the other person AND they feel fully heard. Then we can offer our ideas.
Set a time to chat about stress - create a reliable routine around discussing stress. Having a set time to talk about it means both people can prepare to be present for each other AND can also feel like a big relief to know that you WILL have an opportunity to talk about difficult things...maybe it just isn't right now.
When we respond to each other with love and kindness during difficult times, we make deposits into our very important relationship account. The more you navigate stress together, the richer your relationship will be.
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship educator that is passionate about helping people have better relationships with themselves and others.