The Paradox of Connection
The Safer You Feel
The interesting thing about connection is that the safer you feel together, the safer you feel apart. When we know that our person REALLY is our person, then we are free to venture from a space of security.
When I watch my son play at the park, and he swiftly runs away from me and doesn't even look back, I know it is because he feels safe with me. He knows that if he falls and skins his knee or if he needs me to grab him off of the monkey bars that are just a bit too high off the ground, I will be there...to keep him safe.
Connected Autonomy
As children, this is how we begin to learn how to negotiate autonomy and connection. Our parents do a sort of dance with us in which they give us enough space to create, breathe, mess up "just a wittle bit" (as my son would say), adventure, and LEARN. And, when they reach the threshold of what is possible or safe for them they deserve a parent that will scoop them up.
Essentially we don't need parents to interrupt the struggling but we do need them to interrupt the suffering.
This is one building block of secure attachment. The ability to be autonomous while knowing you are still deeply loved, protected, and connected.
Disconnected Autonomy and Anxious Connection
When parents interrupt our struggling and allow our suffering some interesting things happen. Autonomy and connection no longer occur from a space of peace and calm, rather they are propelled due to an anxiety about what either of them means.
Some children, who are left to suffer, alone, with their difficulties or their emotions (this could range from being mostly ignored to severe neglect or abuse) they might learn:
Connection makes me anxious so I will pretend I can be alone or
Aloneness makes me anxious so I will seek connection everywhere. Without it I will feel terrible.
Some children who are interrupted in their struggle might learn:
I do not have the skills I need to go out on my own and do it myself. Other people have to do it for me. And the desire to connect might be propelled by a sort of anxiety that directs them there or
People suffocate me and always try to get in my way. It makes me anxious to let them close so I will withdraw from connection.
In either of these cases the attempt at connect and the attempt at autonomy is fueled by fear, not self assuredness and peace.
Our adult relationships
When we feel truly safe with people we can feel safe without them too. A great paradox.
This does not mean that we LIKE to be away from them ... we might miss them and want them around but we feel SAFE. Our hearts don't race when we haven't heard from them in an hour, we don't become suspicious when they go on work trips. We don't worry that their desire to watch TV alone for an hour means they don't love us. We feel safe in our distance because we are safest in their connection.
So, what might cause us to feel unsafe? It can be confusing.
Sometimes, our childhood experiences bubble to the surface, making us worry that history is bound to repeat itself. We feel unsafe even when we are truly safe in that moment. This is where the power of relationships comes into play. If you are with a respectful, reliable, and responsive partner you can begin to heal that anxiety by learning what it feels like to be truly safe. And, hopefully, within this safe relationship you can learn that autonomy and connection are interdependent rather than threats to each other.
Sometimes, you feel unsafe in the autonomy because you recognize that your partner is not being reliable, respectful, or responsive. If you don't have these things, it's difficult to feel confident in the connection.
Take time to consider what allows you to feel safe, apart? What is preventing that?
xoxo
Liz
Philadelphia Therapist
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship educator that is passionate about helping people have better relationships with themselves and others.