Is Toxic Monogamy Impacting Your Relationship/s?

Article By: Svea Wentzler

Take a few moments to settle yourself/ves. Get comfortable and take a few deep breaths. You can go through this list together or separately. Know that the below is a list of some (not all) cultural norms around monogamy that have become toxic for many relationships. If you have been living by those rules there is no shame or failure in that- most of us are subjected to these beliefs throughout our lives and never invited to re-examine them. This is an invitation to do so. The goal of this exercise is to use careful consideration, curiosity and your own thoughtful judgement about whether these ideas work for you and your relationships. After going through the list, you could come together and share results with each other or hold onto them for yourself and future relationships. The goal is to gain a deeper understanding of relationship values, not to necessarily agree completely on them with anyone. Awareness around specific relationship agreements can help us avoid misunderstandings around expectations that often go unspoken, and use our own agency to create the kind of boundaries that allow our specific and unique relationships to flourish.

• Is jealousy a normal indicator of love, commitment and care?

• Is a sufficiently intense love enough to overcome practical incompatibilities?

• Should you be able to meet your partners every need? If not, are you inadequate or too needy?

• Should your partner be able to meet your every need? If not, are they inadequate or too needy?

• If you are intensely in love with someone should you cease to be attracted to anyone else?

• If someone is intensely in love with you, should they cease to be attracted to anyone else?

• Is commitment synonymous with exclusivity?

• What are the differences between fidelity and loyalty?

• Is marriage the only justification for a committed relationship?

• Are you insecurities your partner's responsibility to tiptoe around and not your responsibility to work on?

• Are your partner's insecurities always your job to tiptoe around and not their job to work on?

• Is your value to your partners directly proportional to the amount of time, energy and money they spend on you? Is it a zero-sum competition with everyone and everything else they value in life?

• Is your partner's value directly proportional to the amount of time, energy and money you spend on them? Is it a zero-sum competition with everyone and everything else you value in life?

• Is the being of value to your partner a large chunk of how you value yourself?

• Is being of value to you a large chunk of how your partner values themselves?

After going through this list and noting which ideas apply to your relationship, take a moment to think about them. Do these values ring true to you? Is there a conflict? Are they working for your relationships? Are there parts of these rules that do not work for you to have authentic relationships? Are there agreements you would want to add to this list? Does any of this sound like a familiar fight or recurring thought?

The goal of this exercise is to reach a deeper and more specific understanding of your relationship values and boundaries. This will allow you to communicate them to others in clear ways, and clarify expectations. Once we are prepared with that insight, it becomes easier to navigate and negotiate relationships to get our needs met, be understood and feel belonging on authentic terms. Remember that you get to customize your relationship.

Try to have an open and curiosity-based approach to your thoughts, and if you can or want to- with your partner. The goal is to reach a greater understanding of your mutual and individual relationship values. In the places you might disagree, take some time to discuss where those ideas came from for you or your partner, and why they continue to be meaningful and vice-a-versa. Keep in mind that you do not have to agree on all things to have a successful relationship, and learning the skill of turning towards each other with curiosity during times of disagreement will be a relationship life raft. This is a new skill, and we want to approach it with patience and the knowledge that it's brave to try new things.

Philadelphia therapist

SVEA

Svea Wentzler is a therapist in Philadelphia, PA. Svea supports individuals and couples to explore how to overcome challenges in their lives and create happier and more fulfilling lives. Svea specializes in LGBTQ+ affirmative psychotherapy. To schedule a session with Svea click here.