Should you Stay or Should you Go?
How to Decide if you Should End your Relationship.
By; Jesse Macbeth, LMFT
We all grow and change as individuals throughout the course of our lives. Relationships are no different. Parts of your relationship, and the value you may attach to them, can expand and contract over time. However, sometimes it can be difficult to assess if you should continue to stay in a relationship if you feel like your needs are not being met. How can you determine when the right time is to end a relationship and what signs should you look out for? Sometimes people can struggle to determine whether they need to work harder to express their needs and meet their partner’s needs or simply decide it would be better for both people to walk away.
The most crucial ingredients of a healthy relationship
There are different schools of thought as to what the ideal relationship should look like, and this may certainly be different for different people. However, there are two pieces of any relationship that are absolutely crucial: trust and commitment. Any relationship needs these two pillars to succeed, otherwise there will not be the necessary ingredients within the relationship to make it last. When trust is broken, that can weaken one or more partner’s sense of commitment to the relationship. In order to rebuild trust, you first need to identify why it eroded. Speaking with your partner about why they felt their trust has weakened will allow you to have an in depth conversation about what you both need from the relationship moving forward.
It is important to ask open-ended questions and look to learn more about your partner’s inner world. While it is important to atone for any action that may have caused trust to be questioned, there are positives that can come from trust building. If you feel like you do not have trust within your relationship and your partner is not willing to hear about why you think this is an issue, that is a good indicator that you may be better off ending your relationship. Remember, there is a difference between giving your partner an ultimatum versus taking the time to explain your wants, needs, and boundaries to them. Do not neglect your own needs because it will make life easier for your partner. This is the time to be self-focused.
Evaluating your relationship status
Over the past 40 years, Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed a method to assess a couple’s relationship status. Their goal is to help people strengthen those ties if that is what is desired. The method includes four important focus areas when evaluating the viability of a relationship. Gottman Couples Therapy named them “The Four Horsemen''. They are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. If you feel like any of these four words are part of your relationship dynamic, then you should seriously consider couples therapy. Contempt is regarded as the most dangerous of the four, as there is likely a long road ahead for a couple to reconcile if there is blatant disdain shown by partners within the regular dynamics of a relationship.
These dynamics can be changed if both partners are willing to try, but if these four words define your relationship experience, then you may have a long road ahead. If you feel like you are unfairly criticized or treated badly, you should recognize that you do not deserve to be in a relationship with those dynamics at play, and your partner should not be in one like that either. It is important to evaluate whether you want to work to change these dynamics and whether your partner is willing to recognize and work to change them as well. Both partners will need to work together to effectively improve the relationship and make long-lasting change.
What do you want for your future?
Finally, it is important to consider what you want for the future. Perhaps things are going very well with your partner currently, but you may have different opinions on what you want moving forward. It is important to have thorough discussions early on in your relationship about long-term topics such as finances, marriage, children, careers, and where you want to live long term so that you don’t find yourself deeply invested with a partner who has future goals that are completely opposite of yours. It is incredibly painful to build a life with someone only to realize later that they have no intention of ever having children if that is your dream. Sometimes two people can be a great fit with their personalities, but their long-term goals do not align. This is certainly something you and your partner can talk through, but it may also be a sign that you should consider ending your relationship if you and your partner are inflexible in key areas.
It can time take
While it is important to evaluate how you feel your relationship is going and what is working well, it is not always prudent to simply end your relationship if everything isn’t lined up perfectly. Oftentimes relationships take years to find a rhythm that works for both parties, and it can be achievable if both partners are willing to work hard enough. As long as you feel like you are being treated well and are physically and emotionally safe with your partner, couples therapy may be a better option than simply ending your relationship right away. Take time to evaluate what you want both in the present and in the future, and speak about that with your partner. If they are not receptive or are unwilling to validate your experience, then ending the relationship may be the best move. If you are unsure, therapy will certainly be a safe place to work through that decision whether you come as a couple or decide to meet with someone on an individual basis.
Jesse Macbeth, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Discernment Therapy. Jesse has years of experience helping couples navigate the complexities of their relationships. He offers in person or online weekly sessions in Pennsylvania as well as intensive couples therapy. To read more about Jesse click here.