Practicing Mindfulness in Conflicts
By: Eman Almusawi, LMFT , Therapist in Philadelphia, PA
When we get into a conflict we can get hijacked by our fight or flight impulse, or as referred to as the "amygdala hijacking" by psychologist, Dr. Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book, "Emotional Intelligence.” In other words, it's when someone "loses it" or seriously overreacts to something or someone. Dr. Goleman’s term for this impulse, aims to recognize that the amygdala hijacking is designed to respond immediately to a threat. If we experience a threat we go into fight or flight response which stops our ability to communicate effectively with our partner. During the amygdala hijack, we can’t choose how we want to react because our survival instinct kicks in and does it for us, even before the idea is glimpsed in our thoughts.
The Benefits in Mindfulness for Relationship Conflict
When a conflict occurs, mindfulness is an effective awareness technique to utilize. Mindfulness helps us override our conditioned nervous system with conscious awareness. Mindfulness helps us stay in the “here and now” and manage and regulate our own nervous system to hopefully even develop new and helpful ways of interacting. Instead of us having regrets, explaining, and justifying our reactions.
Diane Musho Hamilton, author of “Everything Is Workable: A Zen Approach to Conflict Resolution” developed four simple steps that you can try to use when you find yourself with an overloaded nervous system, and a body struggling with a fight or flight impulse.
The Four Mindfulness Steps to Conflict Resolution
Step 1: Stay present.
Watch for any changes in your body or any new sensations. . You may notice a change in your tone of voice, a feeling of tightness in your abdomen, or desire to withdraw. These are cues that alert us to the reality that we are feeling threatened.
Step 2: Let go of the story.
You need to stop the negative feedback loop between your thoughts and your brain. You can do that by letting go of the thinking and judging mind. I know it is easier said than done, especially when we feel threatened. Our mind can immediately push us to think of all the negative thoughts, BUT you got to be willing to forget the story, JUST FOR ONE MINUTE, remember we want to stop the negative feedback loop.
It’s not that you are wrong, but you will be far more clear in your perceptions when the nervous system has relaxed. Just remove yourself from the story and/or situation.
Step 3: Focus on the body.
Observe and experience whatever sensations arise in your body. Feel them naturally, just as they are, not trying to control or change them. Observe the different places in the body where sensations occur. What is tight, shaky, jittery, or hurts? Observe the ways things change and shift, and the different qualities and textures of the sensations. Observe how biased you are against unpleasant or more intense sensations.
Step 4: Finally, breathe.
You can practice any type of mindful breathing but here is a suggestion. Before starting the breathing pattern, adopt a comfortable sitting position and place the tip of the tongue on the roof of your mouth.
To use the 4-7-8 technique, focus on the following breathing pattern:
● Empty the lungs of air.
● Breathe in quietly through the nose for 4 seconds.
● Hold the breath for a count of 7 seconds.
● Exhale forcefully through the mouth, pursing the lips and making a “whoosh” sound, for 8 seconds.
● Repeat the cycle up to 4 times.
About the Author:
Eman Almusawi, LMFT is an individual and couples therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Eman helps people learn to improve their relationships by teaching them tools that they can use in everyday life.
Read more about Eman Almusawi here.
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