Why Do I Feel So Guilty All The Time?
By Kristin Townsend, LMFT
Therapist in Pennsylvania & California
A lot of different topics come up around the issue of guilt, like friend and family relationships, how time is spent, money or eating habits, not doing enough work, not resting enough and so on. In a social universe that strives towards perfectionism, guilt is bound to be a recurring emotion. This is especially true for those who already struggle with narratives of self criticism.
Understanding Guilt
The best way to address any emotion, including guilt, is to first understand the mechanics of its functioning.
We can begin by addressing that guilt comes up when our actions don’t align with our moral value system. To put it plainly, we feel guilty when we feel that we’ve done something we shouldn’t have done.
To break it down, there’s two factors to address when looking at guilt. You either address your actions or you address your moral value system.
Most of the time, when guilt comes up, our first instinct is to address the action. We ruminate on what we have or haven’t done that’s created the guilt and think of what we should have done differently.
Many times, this is a great first step. Guilt can be a compass for the way we would like to live our lives and make positive changes.
If that’s the case, the solution is relatively easy. You recognize the action you took was unkind, unreasonable or unfair, take responsibility for it and dedicate to change it for the future. It’s that simple. You’re done.
It makes sense that we generally approach ourselves this corrective way considering our use of language “you are guilty” means to do something wrong. But, sometimes, just because we feel guilty doesn’t mean we are guilty. Outside of a courtroom, guilt lives much deeper than that. We can go one step further and look beyond the behavior alone. Underneath every emotion is a deep well of history guiding it.
Let’s not forget the second factor that governs guilt outside of action. It’s the moral value system.
The Moral Value System & Guilt
Our moral value system is all of our internal programming. It tells us what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s normal or not normal and, generally, how we should behave. Everyone’s programming is different based on culture, family history, religious communities, personal experiences, what you got praised or punished for, and, generally, what was expected of you.
We all grew up in a different version of the same world. That version is what governs the rules you have about what’s okay and not okay.
When the Rules about Guilt don’t Work Anymore
And sometimes, the rules we’ve developed don’t work for us anymore. Maybe they used to work when you lived at home or needed to protect yourself from a certain danger, but now maybe the guilt is turning and saying to you, “Hey you! I don’t like this and it doesn’t feel good”. It’s our duty as learning, growing humans to turn back and ask, “Why?”
And it could be that we need to change the rules we are following.
Here’s an example. When children grow up, they might be taught that if they don’t do their homework before dinner, they don’t get to play. The child then develops the rule, “If I don’t do what I’m supposed to do, then I won’t get to feel good and have fun later.” This is a great example of how the rules we develop when we are a kid can be a helpful guiding source in the future when, for example, they have to show up for work on time.
However, there are times when the rules we develop are not so helpful and might actually be harmful. Such as, if a child grew up with a parent who was highly critical, abusive and controlling unless the child abided by their every word, the child may develop the rule, “If I don’t do what I’m told exactly when I’m told I will be harmed.” or “My needs are not as important as the needs of others.”
This child in adulthood may not know how to tell people what they need, set boundaries or be assertive. They may fear that if they tell people “no”, others will be angry with them or punish them. It's probable that they would feel guilty if they told others what they needed or took care of themselves before someone else.
This is a case where the moral value system needs to be changed, not the action. That rule worked for them when they were young because it kept them safe and healthy in an unsafe environment. But, now that they are out and on their own, the rule no longer applies. It can be changed.
So, to alleviate guilt that comes up when they say “no”, this person doesn’t need to change their action by always saying “yes”, doing more or doing exactly as they’re told by everyone. They need to, instead, change their programming and the behaviors that abide by the rules of their programming.
This person may instead change the rule to, “It’s okay to say no to people when I need to take care of myself.” or “I will be safe if I tell others what I need” and start to set appropriate boundaries and communicate their needs.
Guilt may also be coming from rules developed from social norms or family values, like, the need to always be productive or to present to others in a particular way.
So, the next time you’re feeling guilty, peek under the rug and look a little further beyond “what you did” incorrectly and, instead, look at the rules you’re following that also govern the guilt.
You can decide then: is this a rule I would like to follow or is this a rule I would like to change?
Journaling prompts to explore about guilt
Journaling Prompts to explore guilt (with examples):
What triggered me to feel guilty?
(Ex: I had to tell my friend “no”)
What does guilt feel like in my mind and body?
(Ex: I ruminate all day, I think something bad will happen, I have butterflies, my muscles tighten)
What do I think I “should” be doing?
(Ex: I think I should have said “yes” to their request)
What rule am I following?
(Ex: I have a rule that a good friend always says “yes” no matter how I feel) Where did I first learn this “should”/rule?
(Ex: A need to protect myself from rejection, my parents taught me, I was praised for this, I was punished for this, it’s a societal norm, it’s a personal value)
Did I harm myself or someone else?
(Ex: No. This person was able to find another friend to help)
Can I offer myself flexibility or change this rule?
(Ex: Yes, I can remind myself that good friends are reliable, but they are also honest and set boundaries. When I set boundaries, I can show up as a better and more compassionate friend.)
Kristin Townsend is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of California and Pennsylvania. Kristin works with individuals managing major life transitions, depression, and anxiety.