Is Discernment Therapy Right for You?
For when “couples therapy” doesn’t seem right
By Jesse Macbeth, LMFT
While many people have found success with couples therapy, that is not the only avenue that couples may feel is necessary for them to explore. What is a couple to do when one partner is unsure if they want to continue the relationship? Traditional couples therapy won’t be effective in that case, as one partner is already leaning out of the relationship. If both partners are not fully invested and committed to the relationship, they likely won’t be fully invested in couples therapy either. This is a situation where discernment therapy may be a more appropriate option.
Discernment Therapy: Another option for couples
Discernment therapy is different from couples therapy in that it is not designed to solve any issues within the relationship, although that can come later. Sometimes discernment therapy ends and the couple may move into traditional couples work where the relationship can be improved. But that is not always the case, as discernment therapy is not designed to force couples to stay together.
Discernment therapy helps couples to choose one of three paths:
to stay together and work on the relationship (then transitioning into couples therapy),
end the relationship and move on from one another (sometimes transitioning into a few sessions of therapy to help successfully navigate separation),
or choose to make no change and, keep the relationship as it has been while continuing to assess things moving forward.
Breaking down discernment therapy
Discernment therapy is a short-term method of therapy, and couples only agree to meet for another session after each session concludes. Sometimes couples only need one session to determine which path they need to take, and oftentimes a decision is made within two or three sessions. There is no expectation that there will be a massive cost of time or energy for the partner who is considering leaving the relationship.
During discernment therapy, each partner will :
Explain why they feel like things are the way that they are between the couple and discuss what has transpired to bring them to this place in the relationship.
Speak about what they have tried to do to fix these issues up to this point, and then discuss what they hope for the future.
Be given the opportunity to speak about what they felt has been good about their relationship in their time together so far and reflect on positive experiences they have shared with one another.
Explore what role they feel they have played individually that has led them both to this point and discuss what they would hope things might look like for the couple moving forward.
What’s the purpose of discernment therapy?
The purpose of this therapy is to facilitate understanding between the couple and help each partner to feel heard and understood. No decisions about the future need to be made, as each couple takes the session step by step as they decide what they want to do next. Often couples do decide to pursue some form of therapy after their discernment sessions, but not always.
If you feel like you are leaning out of your relationship and are not certain that traditional couples therapy will even be useful for you, discernment therapy may help you to determine what the best path would be moving forward. Discernment therapy will help you to gain greater clarity and confidence as you decide what is best to do next, and better understand how you got to this point in the relationship.
There is less pressure associated with discernment therapy compared to traditional couples therapy because you only need to commit to one session for the process to be effective. If you are considering the end of your marriage or relationship, you will want to be sure that you have thought through every possibility and leave the situation with no regrets. Discernment therapy may help you to determine what is best for you as an individual and how you can find the most happiness in your life moving forward, whether you decide to continue your relationship or not.
Article by Jesse Macbeth, LMFT
Jesse is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who practices Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Discernment Therapy in person in the Better Life Therapy Center City office and online across Pennsylvania. If you are struggling with how to move forward in your relationship, click here to learn more about how you can work with Jesse.