Including Ourselves in the Circle of Compassion

Article by SEAN AVELLINI, M.S., M.A.

Compassion is pretty simple: show care and concern for others who are suffering. Who would say no to more of that? For centuries, we have dreamed of a world where we are more compassionate to one another. But offering more compassion to ourselves? That’s where the dream stumbles. We become uncomfortable. The idea can even anger some of us. We roll our eyes and rationalize our way around it. We turn a simple idea into a complicated one, and that’s because so many of us struggle with it. We struggle to give ourselves grace when we fail, to love ourselves when we’re in pain. Does this feel true for you?

Instead of self-compassion, our default is commonly to neglect our pain and resort to self-judgment. As a result, we tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on those we care about. In fact, we tend to treat ourselves more harshly than those we dislike! The illogic of it stares at us—once we are confronted by it, most of us know on some level that it doesn’t add up. It festers in the pits of our stomachs. Why do we resist offering ourselves the same compassion that we would offer to a friend?

“It feels selfish” is an answer I often hear. “It’s enabling” is another. “It’s unproductive”. Those are also answers that I gave to myself for many years. We worry that if we are more compassionate toward ourselves, it will impede our goals or reflect poorly on our character. But is that what we really believe, at the core? I’ve found that it goes deeper than that. Underneath all of those practical answers, in the weeds of our minds, lies what is usually the true answer, which is that we feel we don’t deserve it. And that is the very part of us that needs our love the most.

Kristin Neff, a prominent psychologist and self-compassion researcher, defines self-compassion as involving three parts:

1. Mindfulness (recognizing, nonjudgmentally, when we are suffering)

2. Common humanity (recognizing that we are not alone in our suffering)

3. Self-kindness (actively soothing and caring for ourselves)

Not so far off from what we would offer to a friend, right? Plus, research shows that when we offer this same compassionate energy to ourselves, we are happier, more curious, less self-critical, less anxious, less depressed, less stressed, and more resilient. We are less inclined to compare ourselves to others, and less afraid to fail. Our nervous systems are more relaxed. Why? Because to be self-compassionate is to have an emotional safety net within ourselves. We include ourselves in the same circle of care that we offer to those around us, and by doing so, we become our own source of support.

But self-compassion is still hard. It rests outside of our comfort zones. But, if we can get there, we are likely to find the kind of long-lasting relief that so many of us are searching for. And that is precisely something that therapy can help us discover. With a therapist’s help, we can gently untangle the knots that we carry inside us—ones that maybe we’ve lived with for a long time. We can become more aware and accepting of our pain (mindfulness), and trust that we are not alone in our pain (common humanity). And, in time, we can learn to follow through on the question, “What if it were a friend who stood in my shoes?” (self-kindness). Because the deepest truth is, we all deserve more compassion, from others as well as from ourselves. Sometimes it just takes time (and help from a therapist) to see that there’s room in the circle for ourselves too.

by SEAN AVELLINI, M.S., M.A.

Sean Avellini, M.S., M.A. is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Sean offers services in person at our Rittenhouse location and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. He supports individuals and couples as they learn to navigate self-identity, trauma, and life transitions. To schedule an appointment click here.

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