Breakup Bootcamp

Article by MARTA COFONE, LPC, NCC

Going through a break-up can feel overwhelming, disorienting, and incredibly painful. This person who used to play such a major role in your life all of a sudden ceases to exist in your reality, but they tend to continue to exist in your mind long after the last goodbyes. The loss of them in your day to day life is a major adjustment and you have to come to terms with the loss of future moments you thought you would have with them.

There are, however, things you can do that make the grieving and processing period last longer or shorter. Pain is inevitable with break ups, but certain things can elongate the period of suffering and keep us stuck.

Here are some of the do’s and don'ts of intentionally getting over an ex:

Continued Communication:

Maintaining any sort of dialogue with your ex is only going to continue opening up the wound that this person is no longer in your life. There are exceptions to this of course (e.g. shared children, separating living spaces and belongings), but those exceptions have to answer this question: is there a purpose or function for continuing communication with my ex?

Social Media:

PLEASE unfollow your ex! There is absolutely no need for you to continue to keep tabs on what they are doing where and who they are doing it with. In the age of social media where everyone is posting everything they’re doing, it can be hard for our brains to register that this person is no longer an active participant in your life when you continue to expose yourself to their information and images. Intellectually you know that you’re broken up, but emotionally it keeps them present in your life and it can feel like you're getting stuck in grief instead of moving through it. If unfollowing feels like a big step and you are not yet ready, try muting them to get used to not seeing them as you scroll.
It may be helpful to remove social media apps for a period of time if you find yourself compulsively checking to see if they are looking at your profile or pictures. It can be difficult, even if you remove them from your socials, to see other people posting their “highlight reel” while you are in an emotionally painful period of your life. Ask yourself the question, “what is social media adding to my life right now?”

Substance Use:

Alcohol and other substances can be a way to avoid difficult emotions temporarily, but they are only ever masking the feelings that are present. You may find yourself wanting to drown your sorrows at your local watering hole, but it is a good idea to ask yourself the question, “Am I attempting to numb my feelings?” Drinking in moderation and not using it as a coping mechanism can allow for you to hold space for your pain and process it instead of attempting to hide it away. Turning to your support network and seeking out professional mental health help are much more useful means of exploring your feelings (even if it doesn’t provide you the instant gratification that alcohol promises).

Rituals and Routines:

A big part of what is so de-stabilizing when you are going through a break up is the loss of rituals and routines that you created with your ex-partner. Your regular date nights and evenings-in were part of what created structure and predictability in your life. It is important to reach out to your support network, explore hobbies and interests, and/or add to the rituals and routines that you were already independently taking part in.
We don’t have to go back to the basics if we stay in the basics. The little things in life can go a long way. Having good sleep practices by going to bed and rising at consistent times each day, eating foods that feel good and nourishing to your body and soul, keeping up with hygiene and normalcy in preparing for your days, and getting adequate water all make a big difference! These basics can oftentimes be overlooked, but when you are in a period of your life where you feel a lack of control, you want to take ownership of what is in your control. This sense of agency can lead to a sense of predictability and increase your feelings of optimism about the future.

Self-compassion:

Despite popular belief, feeling “bad” is not bad! Emotions are meant to be felt, no matter how hard it is to stay present with them. Practice speaking to yourself like you would speak to someone you care about who is going through a hard time. Sometimes the self-compassion you need to show yourself is allowing yourself to feel the hard emotions and just be present with them. Your mind may be telling you that you will never not feel like this again, but remember: your feelings are the weather and you are the sky. Break ups may feel like a massive storm, but eventually storms clear and the sun does return.

There is no timeline in getting through the hard parts of a breakup and that can be frustrating and discouraging. Being mindful of how you are treating yourself and what steps you are taking can influence the trajectory of your processing the loss. It is not just time, but time plus action that heals. Be easy on yourself and remind yourself that pain is inevitable, but you do not need to add on to that pain with additional suffering. By taking these steps, you may find that you can process the break up and move on to the next chapter of your life.

MARTA COFONE, LPC, NCC

Marta is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director of the Center City office located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Marta offers services online through our HIPAA compliant platform and in person. She supports individuals and couples as they learn to navigate the end of a relationship, substance use, and trauma.

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A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.

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