Breaking the Cycle of Shame with Self-Compassion

Article by Lily Skoke, LPC

Shame is an emotion of embarrassment and humiliation that creates an internal belief that we are fundamentally flawed and unworthy. Guilt, on the other hand, focuses on a behavior or something someone has done, and feeling responsible or regretful of a negative outcome.

Oftentimes feeling overwhelmed with shame can lead to becoming stuck in a pattern of punishing or self-destructive behavior, which can increase feelings of shame. Practicing self-compassion is a way to break this cycle. Self-compassion is having the same compassion owards yourself as you would towards a friend or loved one. A helpful place to begin breaking the cycle is to identify what triggers feelings of shame, and not to avoid the trigger but to understand why it causes shame. According to the research of Dr. Kristen Neff, there are three core components to practicing self-compassion:

Self-kindness versus Self-judgment

Self-compassion means being kind and understanding toward yourself when suffering or feelings of unworthiness arise, instead of ignoring pain or being self-critical. Try practicing being encouraging, like a good friend or mentor would be, instead of negatively judging yourself. This

encouragement you provide to yourself puts you in a more flexible and helpful frame of mind to cope with challenges and put shame in perspective.

Common Humanity versus Isolation

Self-compassion is rooted in our connectedness to each other. Even though everyone goes through hard times, we all experience suffering or shame in our own way. When we suffer we begin to recognize our vulnerabilities and imperfections. Try practicing reminding yourself that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others. Remembering that someone else has probably been through a similar experience helps us to feel less isolated.

Mindfulness versus Over Identification

Self-compassion requires taking a balanced or mindful approach to our suffering or shame so that we neither suppress or exaggerate it. Mindfulness is an awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present, non-judgmentally. Try practicing writing down why you are feeling shame and how it may have become overwhelming, and pay close attention to minimizing or magnifying difficult feelings or thoughts. Being mindful about shame prevents us from becoming over-identified with negative emotions which can lead to punishing of self destructive behaviors.

Self Compassion in Therapy

Experiencing empathy from another person can be another antidote to reducing shame. Secrecy about feelings of shame usually cause them to grow and feel worse. Sometimes the most painful emotions are what connects us with others, not what isolates us from others. Sharing your story with a therapist will help you reflect and process how the shame became overwhelming and work towards a more self-compassionate way of relating to yourself.

Lily Skoke, LPC

Lily Skoke is a therapist in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. She offers in person and online therapy to clients struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues. Lily utilizes mindfulness, CBT, and The Gottman Method when supporting clients in the development of coping skills and as they overcome challenges in their lives. To read more about Lily click here.

Lily Skoke Self Compassion Ardmore , PA Therapist

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