How to Prevent Divorce
Through years of research, John Gottman has found that there are four major predictors of divorce: stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. These 4 communication styles are known as "The 4 Horseman of The Apocalypse " in couples therapy because they quickly lead to the breakdown of a relationship.
Below, I weigh in on how to manage each of these communication blunders in your relationship.
Stonewalling
If you see this...
In yourself:
The first step is to develop an awareness that you're body is having a physiological reaction to an upsetting issue within the relationship. We call this reaction "flooding". It's important to recognize the signs - racing heart, shallow breathing, difficulty processing thoughts- and to learn to self soothe. It takes about 15-20 minutes to return to a calm state after physiological arousal so ask your partner for a break and go for a walk, take a shower, or read a book. Breathe deeply into your belly - it's your body's natural and free relaxant.
Another easy task is to take a moment to center yourself around your 5 senses, in turn removing yourself from upsetting thoughts about the relationship. Pay attention to what you hear, smell, see, feel, and taste.
Remember, it's an act of goodwill to return and reconnect with your partner once you are calmer.
In your partner:
Recognize that when your partner is stonewalling it is because they are in a state of physiological arousal. Try to recognize the signs on your partners face, in their breathing, and mannerisms. Use a relaxed and even voice to have a stress reducing conversation. Asking concerned questions like "what's the most upsetting part of this for you?" Or validating with "I would be upset too" helps reduce and relieve stress. If this doesn't work give them a break to calm down.
Contempt
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In yourself:
Contempt is the nastiest of the four horseman. It's the leading predictor of divorce. You communicate contempt with smirks, eye rolls, and belittling. When you're contemptful you're communicating "I think you're beneath me". Is this really the message you want to send to someone you love? The way to combat this is by describing your own feelings and needs. It's pretty painful stuff for your partner to live within contempt. I tell my client's to stop putting the problem within their partner. Your partner isn't the problem - the problem is the problem.
In your partner:
If you recognize contempt within your relationship let your partner know how this impacts you. If contempt turns to abuse (emotional or physical) make sure you're heading to a therapist for some support.
Criticism
If you see this...
In yourself:
I've found that most critical people are doubly critical of themselves. Ouch, that's a tough way to live. Rather than be critical of your partner are you able to assume similarity? Can you remember a time when you were criticized? Can you empathize with how that felt? I coach couples to use "gentle start up" which is a solution oriented and kind way to bring up a problem. Rather than criticizing with "you never do the dishes" state your issue and your need. For example, "I come home to the dishes being left in the sink a lot. Can we try to solve this together?"
In your partner:
Rather than becoming defensive or meeting the criticism with another criticism, gently point out what you see happening. Ask your partner to tell you about their issue in a different way. Assuming the best should always be your first step. If the criticism doesn't stop ask for a break and resume the conversation later. A good formula for tough, yet, intimate conversations is to state your feelings, ask open and curious questions, and show empathy.
Defensiveness
If you see this...
In yourself:
It's natural to defend ourselves when we feel attacked or criticized. However, Gottman's research shows that the "Master's of Relationships" don't react this way. Rather, they take responsibility for their part. They hear the issue, take a deep breath, and say "I'm sorry baby, I can take responsibility for that- let's figure this out". I know it takes two to tango but you don't always need to point that out. It's not your turn.
In your partner:
Check in with how you're bringing up the problem. If you notice you're being critical apologize and try again. If you're not being critical yet still find your partner showing defensiveness say something like "I can hear you're upset about some things. I want to talk about those too, but right now I need you to hear my issue".
The most important lesson in all of this is that your partner is your ally, not your enemy. Treat them that way.