Five Tips to Managing Conflict in Neurodivergent Relationships
By: Catherine Herling, LMFT
Main Line, PA Therapist
When people hear the word “neurodivergence”, they often think of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or Intellectual Developmental Disorder (IDD). However, neurodiversity is an umbrella term that encompasses a diagnosis that alters the way you think/ view the world. Other diagnoses include Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Dyslexia, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). When viewing the world through a different lens, it’s easy to feel like nobody else will understand what you need or even be able to see your strengths as a partner. Just like romantic relationships between neurotypical people, it takes intentionality to grow and connect with another person.
Here are a few tips on how to manage conflict for people in neurodiverse relationships:
Express your needs when they’re “little problems”: Growing up as a neurodiverse person, you learn to mask your differences and question whether or not your needs are valid. In a romantic relationship, your needs ARE valid and expressing those needs allows for that deeper feeling of connectedness. When you express a positive need (what you need instead of what you DON’T need) before resentment is built up, both you and your partner can find middle ground and feel appreciated by each other.
Use misunderstandings as an opportunity to understand: When you see the world differently, it can be especially challenging to feel as though you’re on the same page with another person. While it can take time to understand each other, using these misunderstandings as an opportunity to be curious about what the missed need was and how to have that need met.
Clarifying when needed: After gaining a greater understanding of what yours and your partner’s needs are, further understanding of what can be done differently under slightly different circumstances reduces the chances of regrettable incidents that are similar to ones that have already happened. It is better to ask a clarifying question if you are unsure; it tells your partner that you want to understand them.
Establish routine: Consistency allows for a greater sense of connectedness, and communicating what your expectations are on a regular basis promotes that consistency. Routine reduces anxiety and is frequently a need for individuals on the Autism Spectrum. Knowing how much routine you need in your daily life and expressing it to your partner allows for deeper understanding of each other.
Proactive Couples Therapy: While it can feel like you’re admitting defeat by attending couples therapy before a serious conflict occurs, you’re actually setting your relationship up for success! By working with a couples therapist who has experience with neurodivergent couples, you’re learning how to understand each other better and find middle ground without getting into pattern of regrettable incidents and emotional distance.
Seeing the world differently from neurotypical people means that you can also see relationships differently. While that can feel daunting, it also means that there are different strengths you can bring to relationships. By remaining curious about your relationship with your partner, you set it up for perpetual growth and connection.
Catherine Herling, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She serves clients online through our simple to use HIPAA compliant platform and in person at our comfortable Main Line, PA office. Catherine offers individual and couples therapy. She loves to support adolescents and their families, especially when a family member has been diagnosed with a long-term condition, such as cancer, Autism Spectrum Disorder, or PTSD. To schedule an appointment click here.