Understanding Guilt
By; Shade Adekunle, M.Ed.
"All emotions are welcome here," is a gentle, genuine reminder that you might hear from your therapist. While I hope this sentiment would help you feel safe being honest with your therapist, you might still feel very uncomfortable identifying or confronting emotions that don't make you feel good. So let's dive into a popular one that can be hard to grapple with--guilt!
Defining Guilt
So how do we define guilt? Guilt is an innate emotion that provides information about our behavior and may motivate us to take action. Those actions are meant to alleviate the discomfort that guilt causes, and, more importantly, correct the behavior that caused this emotion to manifest in the first place. Guilt can also look like a strong feeling of regret or a representation of our sense of right and wrong.
When working with my clients, I often hear something along the lines of "I feel really bad about how I reacted", when what they mean is "I feel guilty for not behaving the way I would have liked in that situation." I want to draw attention to this difference because like so many other emotions, guilt can help us learn more about ourselves and our values. When we cause harm to others or participate in a circumstance that goes against our values, guilt reminds us that we want to make better choices in the future.
When is guilt unhelpful?
Guilt becomes unhelpful when we assign blame to ourselves as a means to feel in control, like when someone stubs their toe and you say, "I'm sorry!". You aren't the cause of them suddenly stubbing their toe, but are assuming fault. The desire for action might still be present in this scenario. Maybe this person needs comfort or ice for their toe--however, they don't need you to take responsibility for their actions.
Reflecting on guilt
It is important that we reflect and investigate this emotion, and this can look like:
1) Acknowledge and identify your emotions. So instead of that classic "this makes me feel bad", really ask yourself what emotions are present, and be curious about why they are present.
2) If you do feel guilty, what do you think this guilt is trying to tell you?
3) Try asking yourself: what can I learn from experiencing this feeling?
4) Finally, reflect on what actions need to be taken. Is an apology necessary? Or perhaps an acknowledgment of wrongdoing on your part? Feeling guilty does not mean you need to feel paralyzed by guilt. So consider what making amends looks like, and take steps towards that repair.
About the author:
Folshade Adekunle is a therapist in Phladelphia, Pennsylvania. She practices therapy from a social justice lens that is anti-racist, LGBTQIA+ and gender affirming, and allied towards those within non-monogamous/poly relationships. To read more about Shade click here.
Source: Kugler, K., & Jones, W. H. (1992). On conceptualizing and assessing guilt. Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 62(2), 318.