Despair and Resignation: Phase of a Breakup
By Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
The Protest Phase
When a relationship that we aren’t ready to leave ends, it’s a common response to initially “protest” this loss. According the Helen Fisher, there are three phases that are common following a break-up. The first is this initial urge to prevent the loss. That means that we enter a state of denial that this could be reality. And, in response, we work towards finding ways to connect with the person we’ve lost. We might do this by changing something about the self (perhaps dressing differently, doing our hair differently, letting the other person know we are going to therapy, etc) or by trying to convince the other person to change their mind (apologizing, asking them for one more chance, asking for just one more conversation, etc). Sometimes, people take it too far and they protest the break-up by using emotionally and physically abusive tactics - like threatening or stalking.
Once this phase ends, however, there is a new phase.
The Despair after the Protest
While you may still have bursts or anger or protest, your body and mind will become exhausted and you will enter into what is known as “despair” or “resignation”.
Scientifically speaking, this is when your brain realizes that the rewards it’s been seeking will not appear. The dopamine that was released to maintain focus during the “protest” stage will start to dissipate. And the stress chemicals will drop many of your “happy chemicals” to a far below average level.Dopamine is a happy chemical so as you begin to realize that the relationship is truly over you will experience some degree of melancholy.
Studies have shown that 40% of people experience some level of clinically significant depression following a breakup of an important relationship. 12% experience severe depression. And, dying from a broken heart is a real thing - people die from heart attacks, strokes, and suicide in response to the depression.Having a broken heart is a painful and serious experience that I believe is often written off by friends and families. “You’ll move on” , they’ll say, but that’s only because they’re on the other side.
If you’re still in it, the pain can be unbearable.
The Protest Phase in Women
Women often recover better and more quickly. This is surprising to many people, as women are often mischaracterized as being overly emotional in response to break-ups. Because of built in social supports, women recover through venting to friends, feeling catharsis through crying or writing. And, because of the social acceptance of tears from women, they are allowed to be more openly upset than men.
This is not to say the experience is not painful to women. It is. In fact, it is very painful. And for those that don’t have social supports it can be excruciating.
Here are some things that happen to women after a break-up:
Weight loss
Loss of concentration
Uncontrollable sobbing
Feeling withdrawn or desiring to be alone
Contemplation of self harm or suicide
Rumination
Men, however, have very few socially acceptable outlets after a breakup. They’re less likely to have intimate friendships, are taught not to cry, and are less likely to seek therapy.
Here are some of the impacts on men after a break-up:
Engagement in aggression
Risky coping skills - like drug or alcohol abuse
More likely to die by suicide following a break-up than are women.
Why do our minds and bodies respond to a break up this way?
For evolutionary reasons we learned to show our distress when left behind so we would not be abandoned by the group. Our bodies needed to show others “I need help!”. So if there is anyway to reframe any pain you might be having right now it is:
“I feel totally abandoned and alone. I’m wired for love and connection. My protesting and anger has tried to maintain the connection. It didn’t work. My sadness is my body reminding others that I don’t want to be left behind”.
I’m so sorry if you’re feeling heartbroken right now. It’s your bodies really smart, but painful way, of reminding you how important attachment is. You will find it again, and often, a bad break up is the catalyst for showing up for yourself and creating a new template for a happier relationship.
And while, despair and a resignation is a natural response to a break-up, it doesn’t mean that it should be your permanent state or lead you towards dangerous situations (towards yourself or others).
If you need help
If you have noticed yourself thinking of self harm, it is important to reach out to someone that can help - a friend or family member perhaps for initial support- and a therapist for longer term professional support. You can also contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
If you are concerned that you might harm someone else, please let another person know immediately so that can support you in getting support and contact a therapist or another professional.
Liz is a licensed marriage therapist in Philadelphia. Elizabeth supports individuals and couples improve the relationship they have with themselves and others through better communication, self soothing, and a clear understanding of what a successful marriage looks like. She believes that any committed couples who is willing to do the work can walk away from therapy with more clarity and connection in their relationship.