Boundaries help me love & take care of you while taking care of me at the same time
By Svea Wentzler, LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapist, Providing Therapy in Pennsylvania & Online.
When we let others know our boundaries, we are giving them a gift. We are taking away the pressure to mind-read and letting them know how to get it right, as well as setting limits to behaviors that we don’t like. It can be hard to hear them from others, and just as hard to set them with people ourselves. Rarely are they immediately rewarded, and we can prepare ourselves for handling disappointment without managing it for the other person, and know the results will come. Conversely, when someone else lets us know their boundaries, we can try to model “the golden rule” - how we would want to be treated when setting a limit.
The Golden Rule of Responding to Boundaries
Here are some examples of responding to boundaries using the golden rule:
● Thank you for letting me know.
● I appreciate that you care enough about our relationship to be honest
● Thank you for telling me how I can best support you in this moment
● I love learning more about you even when it can be hard for me to hear
● This is new for me, can I take a moment to process it?
● I love that we can value each others individuality enough to make space for this
● I know that you taking care of yourself is the most important thing
● It helps me to learn how you take care of yourself and in what ways you
want/expect me to take care of you
● I know it’s hard to say that to me, but thank you for treating me with respect and
managing my expectations.
● Maybe we can come up with ways to support each other's boundaries together?
Make it easy for your loved ones to set boundaries with you
Even though hearing our partner’s boundary might be uncomfortable, it means that they feel safe enough to be honest. Creating an environment of safety helps us to have loving, honest, and safe relationships with each other.
Here are some examples of what you can say to your partner to facilitate a culture of safety when it comes to boundary setting:
● You are allowed to change your mind
● You are allowed to say no to me
● You are allowed to have boundaries with me, its a sign of respect and love
● You don't have to do this if you don't want to
● I want to support you to have your own identity in this relationship
● I want to support your relationships and friendships outside of our relationship
● We can take a pause whenever things begin to feel overwhelming for you
Setting Boundaries With The People We Love
Now that we’ve looked at learning to respond to boundaries in an open way, let’s also explore how you can set boundaries with your partner.
Examples of setting boundaries:
● I'm not comfortable with this (conversation/situation/topic/physical contact)
● I can't do that for you
● This is not acceptable
● Please ask me before doing that next time
● I can't talk right now, but I can make time (tomorrow/at 3pm) to discuss this.
● Please don't do that
● Please stop doing that
● This doesn't work for me
● This topic does not feel safe for discussion
● Im drawing the line at ______
● Not at this time
● I've decided not to
● I don't want to do that
● I don't have time to do that
● I can't manage that for you, but I can support you in another way
Prompts for further reflection
I want to offer you some prompts for further reflection so that you can build awareness around your own experience of setting & receiving boundaries.
Take a moment to journal about the following questions.
What are some of the ways in which you respond to your partner's boundaries that you are proud of, or that have been hard for you but you managed to do anyway?
What are ways in which you would like to respond to your partner's boundaries, but haven't before?
What are ways you would want your partner to ideally respond to your boundaries?
What are ways you might want to handle someone not listening/respecting your boundaries?
What are some boundaries you might want to work on?
What are some boundaries you appreciate your partner setting?
After you take some time reading this and filing it out, think about ways your relationship or life might be different after establishing these new boundaries and agreements around boundaries?
Boundaries are an important aspect of building interdependent relationships - this means a relationship where connection and autonomy are both possible.
If you think you and your partner are having a difficult time navigating boundaries, we would love to help. Our couples therapists are here to help. You can schedule an appointment online 24/7 for online or in person therapy. Our offices provide therapy for Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Ardmore Pennsylvania, and online fo residents of California, Maryland, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania.
Svea Wentzler is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering online therapy to residents of Pennsylvania. She supports individuals and couples in building healthier and happier relationships. If you believe you struggle with jealousy in your relationships, Svea would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).