A Step-by-Step Guide to Helping Your Child
Article By: Jenny Hoving, LPC
As a parent, watching your child struggle can be so difficult, regardless of their age. Parents often note feeling frustrated, anxious, and distressed when they see their child encounter problems and experience strong emotions. It’s a difficult setup in that you’re required to leave room for two different sets of feelings, expectations, and values: yours and theirs!
Many parents are eager to get rid of the discomfort they feel and the discomfort they see in their child. This is so understandable! Humans are really wired to do this.
This can look like:
-Minimizing feelings
“You are fine! Look on the bright side.”
-Making suggestions
“Well did you…?”
-Stepping in to solve the problem
“I’ll email your teacher now.”
This could be described as the short game. You are eliminating discomfort as quickly as possible. However, when this is the default pattern, it can lead to unintended consequences. Children may lash out or shut down because they don’t feel understood or validated. Others may become overly reliant on parental involvement.
The long game, while requiring more awareness and a willingness to tolerate strong emotions, can help you to strengthen your connection with your child, encourage self-esteem, and foster important skill development like healthy communication, problem solving and distress tolerance.
While the words you choose and the level of support you offer depend on the age and readiness of your child, the essential components remain the same:
1. Name what you see, and offer empathy. You don’t need to understand or agree with you child’s reaction in order to do this.
“It seems like you are feeling upset right now. I know that’s so difficult. I’m here.”
2. Check in. Is my child actually ready to hear me? Am I actually ready to hear them?
If not, the most valuable thing you can do is focus on coping (or helping your child cope, if appropriate).
“Let’s practice some deep breathing together…”
“I want to make sure I’m really ready to hear you. I’m going to grab a glass of water. Would you like one too?”
3. Listen with the purpose of understanding your child’s perspective. Resist the urge to jump in to reframe the experience or offer your ideas. Validate what you’ve heard.
If your child does not want to talk, articulate that you hear them and are available.
“It sounds like ______. Am I getting that right?”
“You’re not ready to talk. I totally get that. I’ll check back in with you a little later.”
4. Invite your child to problem solve, and let them lead to the greatest extent possible. This could look like jointly tossing out ideas, writing them down, and allowing your child to consider what would or wouldn’t work. Keep in mind that this process is useful when you and your child are both ready to hear each other. This may not happen in the same conversation, or the same day!
“Thank you so much for helping me to understand how you feel. I can see that you really did your best today. Let’s take a break, and later, maybe we can think about some ways we could work together to ______.”
“Wow, I can imagine that was so hard for you. I’m grateful you shared you experience with me. I know you may not be there yet, but please know I’m here to help you consider your options or make a plan.”
Navigating challenges with your child can be overwhelming. There may be problems without a clear solution, and struggles that can’t be entirely eliminated. Know that by seeing and hearing your child, and allowing their perspective, you are helping.
Jenny Hoving, is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania supporting people across Pennsylvania and West Chester. Jenny loves supporting young adults, struggling with stress and anxiety as well as children and adolescents. She also works with parents to strengthen their relationship with their child while also going beyond temporary fixes to address core issues. To schedule an appointment click here.