You Can Buy Yourself Flowers

Understanding the Science of Heartbreak.

BY: Mary Fung-A-Fat MEd

PHILADELPHIA THERAPIST

The painful memories, the constant rumination, that lump in your throat.

If you are familiar with these feelings, you’ve come to the right place. That’s right, we’re talking about heartbreak.

Someone once told me that “before we can fix a problem, we must first understand it.”  Now, while there is no magic cure to negate this painful phenomenon, there is something that comes close – science! There are studies that explain what happens to us on a chemical and biological level during the emotional distress of a breakup. With this in mind, let’s take a closer look at what happens to our brains when we are in love so that we can take the first step in beginning to understand this turbulent time.

The Love Drug

Romantic love releases several ‘feel-good’ hormones in our brains. Oxytocin is a hormone that helps us form bonds with others and is boosted during relationships. Dopamine is another hormone associated with pleasure and reward, and serotonin helps regulate our mood and is affiliated with happiness. Together, these hormones make for a powerful neurological cocktail of attraction. So powerful that researchers found that the reward pathways in the brain for folks in love are identical for those addicted to nicotine and cocaine. Yes folks, love is indeed like a drug. This, then, begs the question – what happens when you take that away? 

Pain in the Brain

If love is much like being addicted to a drug, it makes sense that when there is a sudden loss of love, we react in the same way as a drug addict would when they cannot get their fix. The abrupt decrease in feel-good hormones set our brains into a state of withdrawal and can have physiological effects on people. Research found that our brains associate physical and emotional pain in the same way. The study showed that the region of the brain that was activated by looking at photos of participant’s exes was being exposed to a hot probe on the arm. 

From an evolutionary standpoint, these findings could date back to our hunting and gathering ancestors. The loss of a group member or loved one could indicate a potential physical threat. Thus, it is possible that our emotional and physical neural pain circuits adapted the same pathways for this reason. 

Additionally, another study showed that the brain uses the same neuropathway for emotional trauma that it does for grief. In other words, our brains interpret a breakup in the same way it interprets the death of a loved one.

So now that we understand what happens to us when our hearts are broken, what does this mean? Why is this important? 

With this knowledge, it makes sense why breakups hurt so much. Not only is there a chemical reaction behind it, it is also rooted in a deep biological need for connection and safety. We can choose to acknowledge that our bodies are trying to protect us and give ourselves some grace. While this does not take the pain away, it is a step away from making the experience feel less isolating and personal, which is a step towards laying the foundation for healing.

We can learn to soothe ourselves in these moments – whether it be processing your grief through healthy outlets, rediscovering your sense of self, reaching out to a professional therapist for support, or indulging in some selfcare - so, go on and buy yourself those flowers.

Mary Fung-A-Fat, MEd

Mary Fung-A-Fat is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Mary offers services online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals and couples as they learn to navigate the end of relationships. To schedule an appointment click here.

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